Early on in my grief journey, I realized this was not going to be a "get over it quickly" type of thing. I had a strong desire to read everything I could on grief, suicide, and the afterlife. I came to realize quickly that this journey will not end until I take my last breath. People have asked me how I stay strong and this is what I explain to them.
Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery. Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out. If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time. So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free. Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.
Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks. I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them. Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most. I don't like anger and/or hate. In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him. Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow. This also goes hand in hand with guilt. The "if only"s drive me crazy at times. If only he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery. You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control. However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.
As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night. One of those is my Tear Bucket. I have what I refer to as the tear bucket. When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket. I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears. Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.
Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm. It is learning to live completely different. It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently. It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently. It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way. This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery. If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger. For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness. I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.
Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss. My support system has changed and morphed during my journey. I also know as time continues it will continue to change. Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street. Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family. Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.
Also like surgery, some cannot recover. Grief too, can take those who cannot recover. While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet. There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child. Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.
Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Finding Peace In A Spiritual Connection
As I travel this road of healing, I have come across many people who travel this same route. Some appear to have an easier time navigating it than others. We all wish there were a Rand McNally that could guide us, but it just isn't there. Some have encountered road closures, potholes, detours, and at times U-turns. We all have different vehicles that transport us through grief. While some appear to be on a locomotive running wide open, I feel to be on a snail.
I have learned through my connections I have made with other Angel parents that some cling to their religion, while others to hope, and yet others, well they are struggling every moment. Grief makes us question our beliefs. For me grief made me remember and it confirmed my beliefs. It also opened a door to another universe. For me it opened the door to communications with my son through signs and spiritual messages.
From a very young age Jared and I loved birds. When we would leave early in the morning to head to daycare and work, he asked one day, what are the birds saying? Thinking on my toes I responded, Good Morning Jared. So from that moment on for several years, he would greet chirping birds with, Good Morning birds. The two weeks following his death a bird sat outside my window day and night and chirped. Of course, in those first couple of days it didn't register with me. However, as I laid in bed awake most of the night, I realized this bird is chirping, at night, continuously. I stepped out the bedroom door onto the balcony about 2am one morning and there he sat in the tree. He wasn't afraid of me and didn't even try to fly away. He just chirped and chirped. I remember looking at him so intently and this is Jared talking to me like he always did when he would come home from school. He is telling me all about heaven and what he is seeing and who he has met and what it is like. If I could only speak bird!
As days passed other signs began to happen. Birds and egrets would land in the yard near me. As I went swimming, fish gathered around me. I felt like I was in the movie Evan Almighty, the way animals were following me. Even my husband began to look at me in a puzzled look trying to believe what he was seeing with his own eyes. At one point while swimming, he said it was just a coincidence, had to be, right? So we moved, and the fish followed us. From that day on, I began really paying attention. My little social butterfly on earth was in heaven being his social butterfly self. I felt as though it was one of those elementary school moments of, hey are you Jared's Mom? Several more of those happened in the months following his death.
I am just over a year into my grief journey and I consistently have three birds that are near me day and night. It has now become something my friends look for when I am around. In May, I spent the month in Nashville and several friends paid close attention and were amazed and have now told their friends about my connection with Jared through birds.
I also have a great connection through spirit with him. I feel extremely blessed to have this. I hear him talking to me. He plays practical jokes on me through things you would do as a child and through technology. I laugh at these things because I know it is to help me know he is close by. I feel blessed because I believe God has work for us to do and yet Jared still makes sure he is with me. I questioned that one night and got the response that you don't sleep in heaven so he can get a lot of work done while I am sleeping so he can be near me.
I recently had a friend of the family reach out to me from Holland. He was crying and needed to share with me something. He asked me not to think he was crazy, and I promised I would not. He said he was at a train station and was getting ready to step in front of a train when Jared grabbed him and told him not to do it. He asked me if I believed him and I told him I most certainly did. He said Jared told him great things were in his future he just had to make it and it would all be ok. He asked me what that meant. I told him I had no idea but if that is what Jared said we both better listen. He said Jared sat with him and talked to him for several minutes and he just couldn't believe what he had just experienced. He asked me why Jared would do that. I replied, it is simple he cares for you as a friend. He was puzzled because Jared had only spent a week with him on a vacation we had taken where we met him and yet Jared was watching out for him. I told him, this should prove we make bigger impacts on people than we realize. Just a couple weeks ago I got another frantic message from our friend. This time it was to tell me that his best friend, a female, had returned from a long trip to another country and found that she loved him as more than just friends. He was so excited to share this news. He said he shared his story of Jared with her and she shared some spiritual encounters with him as well. Not sure if that was Jared but I bet he had a hand in talking with her.
Sometimes I feel so very alone, even when there are people around. I have come to find great comfort in this connection God has granted me with Jared in his Afterlife. Until I am reunited with him I will continue to watch for his signs.
As I get ready to post this look what appears out my window....
3 egrets
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Alone In A Sea Of People
Since I was very young I have always felt out of place and unsure of my place within the family. I am youngest of eight but they are all half siblings. My mother had three children with her first husband and they have the full sibling bond and each born approximately a year apart. My Father had three boys by his first wife who also have the full sibling bond, then a boy by a second marriage, who I have found feels very much like me at times and he still struggles with it. Finally, my mother and father had me. I was the second girl for my mother ten years behind her youngest son, and first girl for my father. My parents separated when I was very young and ultimately my father passed away when I was eight from a heart attach induced by alcoholism. My father was no angel, in fact he was physically abusive and a classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So my mother's three children got out as soon as possible. My oldest brother lived with my grandparents until he graduated and went into the Air Force and became an air traffic controller. My sister and brother ultimately dropped out of school. I watched from the time I can remember, the hurt and sadness they both carried. They too made their way out the only way they could. Leaving me at eight dealing with being the only child to a now single parent home while by siblings began having children of their own. From the time my parents split until I reached at when I graduated high school, I didn't have my dad's children as siblings in my life. I stumbled through the years and was a "kid" sister. The "adult" conversations never really happened because I was the babysitter while the older ones did what young adults do. I enjoyed every moment of being the aunt. Except that time I caught my nephew cutting my niece's hair....not fun.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Doing A Download
It has been a while since I last blogged and my head has been spinning. I know it is best to write through grief, but sometimes life gets in the way of time for myself.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
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