I have been focusing most of my energy, which is increasing each day, on Jared's Keepers and the positive things we have going on. National Suicide Prevention Week is in 2 weeks and so is World Suicide Prevention day. I ask that you wear a red ribbon on Wednesday September 10th in memory of those you have lost to suicide. I will be flying that day and I am anticipating an emotional time. This date is also the 4th year since Jared's Dad died by suicide. I have learned different terminology and have been using it appropriately. First, died by suicide. That is what happens. We can candy coat it, which I did for a while but I realized this past week to say what it really is. I wear a bracelet every day that says Stop Suicide so let's be real with it. Also I no longer use the word "successful" when talking about suicide. They are completed and incomplete suicides, as well as attempted.
I have been focusing on the walk in Nashville on September 13th. I look forward to it as I will be with many people who loved Jared. I look forward to sharing the day of stories and memories and feeling him there with us. There are some very exciting things happening that day. I also look forward to attending the St. Louis Cardinal game on the 14th with some of his Keepers.
I am excited to see what all is going on in the schools. I will visit Harpeth High and celebrate Homecoming with them. I received some pictures from them this past weekend of more students doing the YOU ARE A KEEPER photo challenge. I am also just looking forward to spending some much needed time with friends just being.
I got a call this weekend from one of the schools here and there are some exciting things that will begin to take place here too. I will share more about that later.
I have been focusing more on me and inner healing. I talk to Jared everyday and sometimes he answers with humor and sometimes just guidance. I have opened my heart to listening rather than my ears. He gives me signs that I smile at and connect with him.
Tonight I watched as Tony Stewart was introduced before the Atlanta race. I saw so much grief in his face even behind his sunglasses. I could tell he was crying and doing his best to hold it together. I wanted to reach through the TV and hug him. Even though he isn't my driver.....GO RYAN NEWMAN.
I met up with one of Jared's soccer coaches this weekend and got the biggest hug. I love hugs they are truly healing. We talked about the FIFA team and how they did at the World Cup Qualifier in Jamaica. They performed well and grew as a team but unfortunately did not advance. I also ran into his AD from GHCDS. We talked and I felt good when I walked away. It is so nice to share things with people and talk about the good things Jared did.
I enjoyed time out and about Friday night listening to a local band and talking with friends. Saturday, we attended the Beer Fest to support the Wounded Warrior Project, where I met up with Jared's soccer coach and AD. Enjoyed some tacos and beer brewed here on the island. My favorite Mango Beer was sold out before the event started....but all for a good cause. Then finished the night off looking into the harbour and talking with friends. Today we played tourist and took a trip to Fredricksted while the cruise ship was in. Then back for a soda on the Boardwalk and relaxed at home tonight. Tomorrow we head to Buck Island and have a beach BBQ.
When I return from the states I will begin blogging about Jared's life growing up and give you more back story to help in your processing his death. He had an amazing life and did amazing things. I am glad we were able to provide those things for him to enjoy and experience.
I am getting stronger every day. I am learning how to live with the pain. I am learning to live without part of me. Life is short...love one another....
Like Thumper said....If you can't say anything nice....don't say anything at all.
Hugs to you who are reading this.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Me Time
Over the past few days I have taken some time to work on me. I have had to come to peace with internal struggles that have been taking place. I have also had some unexpected blessings. On Wednesday, I had a message from the Principal at Free Will Baptist School here on island. He asked if we could talk. So I said I would be in his area and I would stop by. When Jared attended Manor School he was to play soccer for FWBS but he transferred to Good Hope Country Day just as the season began, thus causing him to compete against them. Nonetheless, he made great friends there. I was feeling a spiritual pull to stop by the school but I didn't know why. When I arrived I saw students of all middle school and high school age come out of the buildings. My heart filled with joy. I didn't understand it. I asked where the Principal could be found and was directed toward his office. As I came around the corner I locked eyes with his wife. A little background for those who do not know. I feel a connection to her that is special. I can't explain it really but see she is from Dickson, TN just down the road from where we lived. In addition she had a brother Jared who died in a car accident several years ago. Her mother asked her to give me her information so we could connect. I look forward to that connection next month. Her husband also helped officiate Jared's service here on island. Just another connection Jared has made for me.
When we embraced I began to cry. It was like I had a tight hug that was helping to suck the sorrow out of my heart that I had been carrying for several days. We then went into the office and she was telling me how crazy it was because today was the first day of school. I was surprised....why was this connection made on the first day of school? Did Jared know I needed to see happy kids? While there I met a young man who attends Welch College in Nashville. We talked and he stated...I will be there to walk with you in Nashville. He just met me, never knew Jared, but he is going to walk with me? There are 4 other students attending Welch that Jared did know. I understand they too will be walking with us in Nashville.
Finally he was free and back we went to the Principal's office....haha. He didn't know how to approach a question but he knew I would be a resource for information. A long time teacher at the school had passed away stateside while receiving treatments. His family asked if he would accompany the remains to St. Croix for his final resting place and to be spread at sea. Well....unfortunately, I know a little about transporting a loved one's remains. I explained that they would be carried on and they must go through the screening process and the container they are in must be able to be screened. By complete luck, Jared's Urn was. I explained to him the paperwork he should carry with him in case of any issues as he would be flying out of Washington DC. After the business was addressed and I could now laugh about Jared's experiences in the scanners on our travels, we then turned to how are Rich and I doing. I shared with him my struggles as well as my observation of Rich's. We then turned the conversation to Jared's Keepers Foundation and I hope we can get the program into the school this year.
After leaving I had to run some errands and then to the Post Office. In the box were two yellow slips....this means packages that won't fit in the box. But we didn't order anything. I was blessed with a beautiful daily devotional book from a dear sweet friend who lost her husband to suicide. She and I have been able to share heartaches together. She wrote a sweet message to me and I cherish is more than I could ever express. I immediately opened it to June 14 and read. It was as if Jared had written me a letter. I had chills and was frozen in place. I read and reread that message. I then turned to August 20th, that was God speaking to me. More peace came over me.
Then I opened a box from a friend in my hometown. He is on the volunteer fire/rescue squad with my mom and has been since I was about 8. I couldn't imagine what this was...I began to read the letter he wrote to me about how a picture I had posted touched him because I said it was my favorite picture of Jared and I because it was spontaneous. I wasn't supposed to be in the pictures that day but Jared continued to hug on me so the photographer captured it....I am forever grateful. He had created a beautiful wood carving of that picture!
When we embraced I began to cry. It was like I had a tight hug that was helping to suck the sorrow out of my heart that I had been carrying for several days. We then went into the office and she was telling me how crazy it was because today was the first day of school. I was surprised....why was this connection made on the first day of school? Did Jared know I needed to see happy kids? While there I met a young man who attends Welch College in Nashville. We talked and he stated...I will be there to walk with you in Nashville. He just met me, never knew Jared, but he is going to walk with me? There are 4 other students attending Welch that Jared did know. I understand they too will be walking with us in Nashville.
Finally he was free and back we went to the Principal's office....haha. He didn't know how to approach a question but he knew I would be a resource for information. A long time teacher at the school had passed away stateside while receiving treatments. His family asked if he would accompany the remains to St. Croix for his final resting place and to be spread at sea. Well....unfortunately, I know a little about transporting a loved one's remains. I explained that they would be carried on and they must go through the screening process and the container they are in must be able to be screened. By complete luck, Jared's Urn was. I explained to him the paperwork he should carry with him in case of any issues as he would be flying out of Washington DC. After the business was addressed and I could now laugh about Jared's experiences in the scanners on our travels, we then turned to how are Rich and I doing. I shared with him my struggles as well as my observation of Rich's. We then turned the conversation to Jared's Keepers Foundation and I hope we can get the program into the school this year.
After leaving I had to run some errands and then to the Post Office. In the box were two yellow slips....this means packages that won't fit in the box. But we didn't order anything. I was blessed with a beautiful daily devotional book from a dear sweet friend who lost her husband to suicide. She and I have been able to share heartaches together. She wrote a sweet message to me and I cherish is more than I could ever express. I immediately opened it to June 14 and read. It was as if Jared had written me a letter. I had chills and was frozen in place. I read and reread that message. I then turned to August 20th, that was God speaking to me. More peace came over me.
Then I opened a box from a friend in my hometown. He is on the volunteer fire/rescue squad with my mom and has been since I was about 8. I couldn't imagine what this was...I began to read the letter he wrote to me about how a picture I had posted touched him because I said it was my favorite picture of Jared and I because it was spontaneous. I wasn't supposed to be in the pictures that day but Jared continued to hug on me so the photographer captured it....I am forever grateful. He had created a beautiful wood carving of that picture!
It now hangs above my desk that I sit at to write this post. I can't express to him how special this gift is to me. It brought peace as well and warmth to my heart.
That evening we spent at the beach with friends having a bonfire. It was spiritual for me. I looked up at the stars and could hear Jared at about the age he was in the photo above saying "Mom, whenever I miss you I look at the stars and moon because you are looking at the same ones and I know you are not far away." Pretty profound for a little guy. I said you are right Jared....just look up and I am looking at them too.
I spent Thursday mowing in the morning and weed eating in the evening while Rich mowed....that is until I sliced my hand open on our fence. Then it was taking care of my hand for the rest of the night.
Friday we ventured down to the Boardwalk after the storms that dumped heavy rains on us all day to find a group of happy military guys from West Virginia on island, then the Men's National Soccer Team arrived, and the place came alive with hustle and bustle.
I continue to find more information in Jared's phone as it is now mine as of Wednesday. I had planned on Jared going with me to help me pick one out the Monday after he passed. We even talked about it the night before, and he said you need a phone like mine mom. Well, his was only 2 months old and so now I have one like his....better it was his. But Jared had things in hidden folders. Interesting because I just stumble onto them once in a while. Like he is giving me a little at a time to digest and understand. He also seems to only let me see what he wants when he wants.
This week his Blazer and stereo equipment was listed for sale. We got a call from a friend of ours and tomorrow I will meet a lady and her daughter who just arrived on island to attend UVI to look at the Blazer. Again, his time, when he was ready. I have learned to be patient. Not easy at times. I know there is more he is telling me and a time goes along, he will bring it to me in a form that others will see too.
Good Night my little Keeper....I love you to heaven and back!
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Stepping Away
I have not posted in a few days because quite honestly, I have been suffering inside. I am hurting so deeply that some days I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep in hopes of waking up and this is just a terrible nightmare. That won't happen.
Over the weekend we went down to the beach for a few hours. Things were fine. THEN the tears started to fall, then pour out of my eyes. Why or dear why Lord? Rich thought he said something to upset me. He asked me what he did...did I do anything, something? The answer was no. In my head memories flooded over me. Little boys playing in the water, giggling, building sand castles. Older boys tossing shells into the water. Boys diving by my side, a young boy learning how to swim and snorkel. Why Lord? You should have told him no...you should have told him it wasn't his time yet!
We returned home and talked for quite a while. A friend had asked for pictures when we felt that we could. It is sometimes shocking to us that we spend so much time with friends and family, yet we don't capture those moments on film. So we sat at the computer and began going through the photos from the time we moved to Tennessee. I think I was able to make it through 2 years of photos....I just broke completely. Full on Grief Attack. How, Why, When did this happy, bouncy, boy that I often called Tigger and Bambi Dear as he would run down the basketball court, lose his inner happiness? Well I know that answer....September 10, 2010.
There are days that I am angry with his Dad. I am angry he didn't talk to Jared and tell him to move forward and be happy and help me help Jared. Then at times I think he did. I think Jared just was not listening. A teenager not listen? While Jared had a strong faith, I am sure it was confusing when he would get signs and messages from his Dad.
I wish so many things....but mostly I wish Jared peace and happiness in Heaven. I hope he and his Dad are doing all the things they couldn't do on Earth, but most of all I KNOW they are spending time together without negative powers.
I also have been struggling and trying to ignore all the publicity over Robin Williams' suicide. It seems to be the way of the world to pay tribute then he is gone. I hoped that his fellow stars would come out and stand up for suicide. I hoped they would rally to call to stop this terrible disease. But they would rather talk about the details of taking his life. I have a real issue with that. I don't like seeing death on TV at all...movies, news, it doesn't matter. I did not watch the video of Tony Stewart's racing accident. I did not watch the video of the shooting in MO. I don't like that. I think it is irresponsible of the media to put it out for everyone to see. I am sick that we say it is the right of free speech.....that is true. HOWEVER, what about my rights as a family member to not have to see that over and over and over and over and over and over again? I used to have a sign hanging in my classroom in Illinois "Having Rights = Having Responsibilities". The media need to understand that. While they have the right to report on things they SHOULD BE responsible enough to have compassion to those who are hurting. The thing is...it is more than just those in that place at the time. What do I mean? I mean, Robin Williams' suicide touches everyone who has lost a loved one by suicide. It reopens the wounds that so many struggle every day to heal. The racing tragedy opens wounds to all who have lost a loved one on a track. The Missouri tragedy opens the wounds of those who have been trying to heal from violence. Both BLACK AND WHITE!
Two months ago today, friends on island said goodbye to Jared in their own way. They celebrated him and the way he touched them. They played their hearts out on the soccer field. Then we celebrated with other friends on the Boardwalk as he would have wanted as I watched a beautiful bird continue to fly over us.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Reassignment And Reorganization
Through my processing of grief I have learned so much about grief that I never wanted or hoped to have to know. However, some of it I wish now, I had known years ago. In a healthy grieving process both Reassignment and Reorganization must take place. However, it must take place correctly.
Reassignment, seems easy enough to understand. It is a little deeper than that. Reassignment means many things both healthy and unhealthy. Healthy reassignment takes place when an individual responsible for a particular task is no longer able to do so. An example is when the husband is the one responsible for paying all the bills and running the household finances. He passes and the wife, or child of the deceased must now take over that assigned responsibility. In our house Jared has been for many years now responsible for the lawn care. That was his job. Albeit one he wanted as he was growing up and one that after a couple of years he saw as a burden. Now Rich and I share in this responsibility.
This at times takes place in unhealthy ways by parents (or at times the individual themselves) will try to have another individual assume the life of the one who is no longer there. Many times this can happen with twins. One will try to live the life of both. A parent may have a younger child become the older one that is gone.
Reorganization also has healthy and unhealthy ways of taking place. Again using the above example, when the husband passes he, the wife may now be thrust into a position of leadership in the family that she did not have before. She is now the one that is responsible for the direction of the family. This can be an overwhelming task for some.
With the help of our therapist and the book she gave me to help me through the process, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, I have been able to recognize things that I might have easily slipped into. While it is natural to want to "replace" Jared I have learned it is a yearning to bring him back that I really want. Rational thinking people know that is not possible. If you know Jared....you know there is simply no "replacing" him either. He was definitely one of a kind.
I also learned that both of these took place in Jared's life when his father died by suicide. Jared's paternal grandmother could not cope with the loss, and did not seek help with it, she instead tried to replace Dan with Jared. She tried to reassign Dan's role in the family with Jared. This is what he was crying out in the last few days to end. He was feeling too much pressure to become his father and take that position in the family. This was intensified by the passing on of clothes that belonged to his Dad for him to wear, the passing on of possessions that belonged to his dad, and so on. This was also confirmed with information in his emails and texts he left behind on his phone that stated they had plans of filing emancipation paperwork while he was there for his visit and having him live in the house where his dad died by suicide.
I was once very angry with these things. I am not any longer. I have come to realize that holding on to this anger continues to keep people in my life that I don't care for. Therefore, I let go of the anger and they are gone too.
I hope this helps you understand a transformation that must take place with the loss of loved ones. I hope to that it will help for you to do it in a healthy way. I encourage you to read the book I spoke about. It is helpful in times of need.
Reassignment, seems easy enough to understand. It is a little deeper than that. Reassignment means many things both healthy and unhealthy. Healthy reassignment takes place when an individual responsible for a particular task is no longer able to do so. An example is when the husband is the one responsible for paying all the bills and running the household finances. He passes and the wife, or child of the deceased must now take over that assigned responsibility. In our house Jared has been for many years now responsible for the lawn care. That was his job. Albeit one he wanted as he was growing up and one that after a couple of years he saw as a burden. Now Rich and I share in this responsibility.
This at times takes place in unhealthy ways by parents (or at times the individual themselves) will try to have another individual assume the life of the one who is no longer there. Many times this can happen with twins. One will try to live the life of both. A parent may have a younger child become the older one that is gone.
Reorganization also has healthy and unhealthy ways of taking place. Again using the above example, when the husband passes he, the wife may now be thrust into a position of leadership in the family that she did not have before. She is now the one that is responsible for the direction of the family. This can be an overwhelming task for some.
With the help of our therapist and the book she gave me to help me through the process, How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, I have been able to recognize things that I might have easily slipped into. While it is natural to want to "replace" Jared I have learned it is a yearning to bring him back that I really want. Rational thinking people know that is not possible. If you know Jared....you know there is simply no "replacing" him either. He was definitely one of a kind.
I also learned that both of these took place in Jared's life when his father died by suicide. Jared's paternal grandmother could not cope with the loss, and did not seek help with it, she instead tried to replace Dan with Jared. She tried to reassign Dan's role in the family with Jared. This is what he was crying out in the last few days to end. He was feeling too much pressure to become his father and take that position in the family. This was intensified by the passing on of clothes that belonged to his Dad for him to wear, the passing on of possessions that belonged to his dad, and so on. This was also confirmed with information in his emails and texts he left behind on his phone that stated they had plans of filing emancipation paperwork while he was there for his visit and having him live in the house where his dad died by suicide.
I was once very angry with these things. I am not any longer. I have come to realize that holding on to this anger continues to keep people in my life that I don't care for. Therefore, I let go of the anger and they are gone too.
I hope this helps you understand a transformation that must take place with the loss of loved ones. I hope to that it will help for you to do it in a healthy way. I encourage you to read the book I spoke about. It is helpful in times of need.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Just Struggling....
Some days you just struggle. Today is one of those days. I was on the verge of tears all dang day! It was a day I would have taken Jared with me. Lots of stops and some would have been for him. Off this morning about 10 to NAPA to get a battery for his Blazer so we can get it cleaned up to sell. Yes that sucked. Then to Home Depot to get a couple of things. Then to the bank and Radio Shack to do some things for Rich. Now off to two grocery stores. One where I get milk and the cooler items and individual pieces and the next is like a Sam's Club. Bulk items are purchased here. Then one last stop....the post office. I don't look forward to going there anymore because it usually means some college brochure for Jared. Today...no mail. By the end I was mentally exhausted. I returned home by 1 and it was met with what is for lunch by Rich. Yes Dear....I am on it. Put groceries away and fix his lunch. Then, message my neighbor who offered to help with the Blazer. Later in the afternoon we began working on the getting the battery changed out. After the addition of a washer then she fired up like a sweet girl should. It almost brought tears to my eyes. I sat in there talking to Jared....Please Jared for all that is good in this World help me get her started. First turn of the key...there she went. As I began to move her my neighbor laughed and said you have a passenger....what? A lizard appeared on the hood. He rode there the whole way up to the house. I parked her next to the house. Sprayed the inside for ants that had gotten in the back. Closed it up and just before I did....who was on the head rest of the driver seat? Yep the Lizard. I have no idea if it was the same one but it was a lizard. I closed up the Blazer for the night. Brought in the tools and my neighbor brought a special gift over. As a child raised Catholic I knew of this but I have done more research tonight. They are honoring Jared with a Five Year enrollment in the Association of Marion Helpers http://www.marian.org/amh/whoweare.php Jared will be remembered in the following spiritual ways:
- A daily Holy Mass celebrated for Marian Helpers
- A Holy Mass offered for members on the First Friday and First Saturday of each month
- A Holy Mass offered for deceased members on All Souls Day
- A special Mass offered on each feast day of Our Savior and His Blessed Mother, including The Presentation (Feb. 2), The Annunciation (Mar. 25), The Assumption (Aug. 15), The Birth of Mary (Sept. 8), and The Immaculate Conception (Dec. 8)
- The continuous Novena to The Divine Mercy at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy in Stockbridge, Mass.
- The daily prayers offered by workers at the National Shrine of The Divine Mercy and the Marian Helpers Center
As a child of God, this is so exciting to me. I know that for 5 years Jared will be celebrated. He won't be forgotten. That is the biggest fear of all parents who lose a child. You will forget about my child.
When I came in tonight I learned we lost a friend on island today. He lives on a boat and fell out of his dighy and drown. My heart aches so much. He was the grumpy old man at times, the quiet old man at others, and the best friend to anyone who needed him. He brought many tears of laughter to us over the last few months. How can this be? Another beautiful soul gone too soon. I quickly reached out to a friend that was very close with him. I needed to make sure he was ok. He was celebrating Jake's life the way Jake would want it.
Maybe the tears were things I just had yet to learn about. I know there is a beautiful Heaven waiting for me to begin the after life. I just will not let the after life come before God wants it to. It would be very easy to slip into a very bad place right now. I miss Jared so very much. Heartache reopens wounds after Robing Williams. And cruel words cut so deep. I once thought suicide was selfish. It just isn't. Unfortunately, I didn't not get educated about it until after Jared took his life. It is trying to save himself and those he loved closest to him.
Likewise it is complete irresponsible reporting to be giving intimate details of any suicide. Again, it can open up so many wounds that are trying to heal, give ideas to those who are contemplating, glorifying suicide, and most of all pouring salt in the very fresh wound of his family.
Tonight I sat here and cried while Rich was on his walk. I cried because I was given a gift tonight by my neighbors that they probably don't realize exactly how much of a gift they gave me. I cried at the loss of a friend. I cried because I miss Jared. I cried because I am again getting into his personal items, his Blazer. I cried because I am so very loved and blessed by so many. I also cried because a very special young lady in Tennessee is doing all she can to promote awareness and to insure she won't lose anymore friends to suicide.
Remember if you can't be nice....just don't be mean.
RIP Jake!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Brightest Lights In Our Lives Are The Darkest Inside
The love between a mother and son is simply not like any other love. I remember the psychology classes in college and studying Freud who said it is a sexual attraction that makes father and daughters close and mother and sons close. While I don't completely agree with his theory I tend to believe that as mothers we try to show our sons what we look for in a man so they will be the perfect man for a future wife. We want compassion, large heart, tender hands, warm hugs. Well maybe I am alone in this, but I dont think so.
As I learn of more and more suicides and learn about each of them, I hear over and over. ... They never knew a stranger. .... life of the party. ... funny. ... huge heart. I realize they mask their hurt with the happy personality they put upfront.
I used to think those that died by suicide were selfish. I have learned it simply isn't true. In fact it is the opposite. See they are trying to protect the ones they love. They justify suicide by convincing themselves it is beneficial to their loved ones. For those who are not in the deep valley of darkness it seems nonsensical. However, those who get to that place have a near impossible task of seeing things any other way.
Today was a hard afternoon for me. I experienced another grief attach. I realized this afternoon that I am approaching the two month mark. I thought to myself how proud I was because I was healing enough that I am not consuming myself with hours, days, weeks, months since he left. I have been preparing myself for days to start back in on going through Jared's bathroom and closet. OK Deb you are strong you can do this. THE TOWEL. ... that damn towel. There it hangs just as Jared left it. So I turned to the caddy that held bandaid and toilet paper. No problem put those items away since this bathroom will now only be used for the office many things are not needed in there any longer. I then took a deep breath and removed the toothpaste tube from the sink. Hung a wreath from his school here up. Rearranged some wall art. AND THEN. ... YEP the towel. I smelled it as I do nearly every day. The smell is fading but it is there. I began to cry. I then took an even deeper breath and pulled it down. .... yep I lost it. ... flood gates of tears opened. After several minutes I composed myself enough to refold the still unwashed towel and hang it on the towel bar. I then opened the shower curtain the rest of the way open and gather shampoo, face cleaner, and body wash after disposing of the folded up bandaid left in the corner of the tub. As I carried the items across the house to the master bath to put them away, it hit. I couldn't call out to Rich nor could I physically carry myself to him to be held. I was able to get to the step next to the whirlpool to sit. There was a towel I had sat out on the tub and I used it to cry into and wipe the tears as they fell. I had already soaked my shirt with tears. My sinuses opened and I began to choke and hyperventilate. After what seemed to be an eternity, Rich came to check on me. He helped to calm me and get me to the sofa. I talked with him for well over an hour. I asked him if he would sit with me in the office tonight as I continued working on things. He agreed and he helped with many items. With his support and assistance I was able to get through quite a bit more.
Remember to light a candle for the beautiful people who have been lost to suicide on September 10th.
As I learn of more and more suicides and learn about each of them, I hear over and over. ... They never knew a stranger. .... life of the party. ... funny. ... huge heart. I realize they mask their hurt with the happy personality they put upfront.
I used to think those that died by suicide were selfish. I have learned it simply isn't true. In fact it is the opposite. See they are trying to protect the ones they love. They justify suicide by convincing themselves it is beneficial to their loved ones. For those who are not in the deep valley of darkness it seems nonsensical. However, those who get to that place have a near impossible task of seeing things any other way.
Today was a hard afternoon for me. I experienced another grief attach. I realized this afternoon that I am approaching the two month mark. I thought to myself how proud I was because I was healing enough that I am not consuming myself with hours, days, weeks, months since he left. I have been preparing myself for days to start back in on going through Jared's bathroom and closet. OK Deb you are strong you can do this. THE TOWEL. ... that damn towel. There it hangs just as Jared left it. So I turned to the caddy that held bandaid and toilet paper. No problem put those items away since this bathroom will now only be used for the office many things are not needed in there any longer. I then took a deep breath and removed the toothpaste tube from the sink. Hung a wreath from his school here up. Rearranged some wall art. AND THEN. ... YEP the towel. I smelled it as I do nearly every day. The smell is fading but it is there. I began to cry. I then took an even deeper breath and pulled it down. .... yep I lost it. ... flood gates of tears opened. After several minutes I composed myself enough to refold the still unwashed towel and hang it on the towel bar. I then opened the shower curtain the rest of the way open and gather shampoo, face cleaner, and body wash after disposing of the folded up bandaid left in the corner of the tub. As I carried the items across the house to the master bath to put them away, it hit. I couldn't call out to Rich nor could I physically carry myself to him to be held. I was able to get to the step next to the whirlpool to sit. There was a towel I had sat out on the tub and I used it to cry into and wipe the tears as they fell. I had already soaked my shirt with tears. My sinuses opened and I began to choke and hyperventilate. After what seemed to be an eternity, Rich came to check on me. He helped to calm me and get me to the sofa. I talked with him for well over an hour. I asked him if he would sit with me in the office tonight as I continued working on things. He agreed and he helped with many items. With his support and assistance I was able to get through quite a bit more.
Remember to light a candle for the beautiful people who have been lost to suicide on September 10th.
Remembering Robin
Even if you are from the plant Ork you know Robin Williams. I don't know of a person on this planet that hasn't been touched by him no matter what your age is. Like all the others that have taken their life, Robin Williams was so happy on the outside. He was always making us laugh, entertaining us, and bringing happiness to others, all the while battling a daemon inside. It is ironic how his Disney character may say it best. You are free now Genie. He has been trapped and trying to get out of captivity and he chose the only way he knew. Those of us who are intimate with suicide know how to read the reports and know how he took his life. I have extreme sadness today as I did as a fell to sleep last night, a physical pain in my heart. I feel for his wife, his 2 ex-wives, and for his three children. They each will go through a grief like no other. What will make it worse for them is he is loved and known around the World. You will hear all kind of stories posted online and on TV. Some of these stories will be very hurtful to the family.
Last night on the boardwalk I was engaged in a conversation about Robin Williams. I had to leave an area just before that because of a young woman and young man who were seemingly intoxicated going on and on and talking about suicide and how could he and the multiple ways he probably did it. I then landed in a conversation about how another person's best friend took his life.
If there were one thing I could change about the World is we would quit talking about graphic details of such terrible things. Why are we so interested. When you get a vision of such horror in your head you can't get it out. When you see things of such horror, you can't un-see those things. I refused to watch the video that was posted everywhere of the Tony Stewart accident that took the life of a fellow competitor. I can't un-see that if I watch it. I don't need that in my head. For this exact reason we haven't shared the method Jared chose. We don't want our friends and family to have a visual of such sadness. I have had many people reach out and ask how, but I am extremely careful in who I tell. Some I know can handle it but I will not share with young people. They don't need it.
I am proud the media and the family of Robin Williams is telling you why he took his life....depression. That is the reason everyone does. There is an inner demon in depression....some call the devil. Please if you are touched by this demon in the future, don't ask why they took their life, you know that answer. Many will leave notes or post on social media how people drove them to it, how someone upset them. These are the mechanisms to allow themselves to justify their actions. Why is depression.
I hope that Robin Williams' death will bring the much needed attention to this 100% preventable cause of death. WHO (World Health Organization) has already realized this is an epidemic and it needs to be stopped, that is why it is their focus through 2020. Why then do schools not want to do all they can to bring awareness to students that there is help? Why do employers not want to hang a poster up with a phone number in case anyone needs help? It doesn't cost anything to do this?
Many people have reached out to me since last night to insure I was OK. Yes, this pours salt in an open wound that is trying to heal. But I know, like Jared's tragedy, Robin Williams will work from above to help reach people.
Last night on the boardwalk I was engaged in a conversation about Robin Williams. I had to leave an area just before that because of a young woman and young man who were seemingly intoxicated going on and on and talking about suicide and how could he and the multiple ways he probably did it. I then landed in a conversation about how another person's best friend took his life.
If there were one thing I could change about the World is we would quit talking about graphic details of such terrible things. Why are we so interested. When you get a vision of such horror in your head you can't get it out. When you see things of such horror, you can't un-see those things. I refused to watch the video that was posted everywhere of the Tony Stewart accident that took the life of a fellow competitor. I can't un-see that if I watch it. I don't need that in my head. For this exact reason we haven't shared the method Jared chose. We don't want our friends and family to have a visual of such sadness. I have had many people reach out and ask how, but I am extremely careful in who I tell. Some I know can handle it but I will not share with young people. They don't need it.
I am proud the media and the family of Robin Williams is telling you why he took his life....depression. That is the reason everyone does. There is an inner demon in depression....some call the devil. Please if you are touched by this demon in the future, don't ask why they took their life, you know that answer. Many will leave notes or post on social media how people drove them to it, how someone upset them. These are the mechanisms to allow themselves to justify their actions. Why is depression.
I hope that Robin Williams' death will bring the much needed attention to this 100% preventable cause of death. WHO (World Health Organization) has already realized this is an epidemic and it needs to be stopped, that is why it is their focus through 2020. Why then do schools not want to do all they can to bring awareness to students that there is help? Why do employers not want to hang a poster up with a phone number in case anyone needs help? It doesn't cost anything to do this?
Many people have reached out to me since last night to insure I was OK. Yes, this pours salt in an open wound that is trying to heal. But I know, like Jared's tragedy, Robin Williams will work from above to help reach people.
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