Stepping Away

I have not posted in a few days because quite honestly, I have been suffering inside.  I am hurting so deeply that some days I just want to curl up and cry myself to sleep in hopes of waking up and this is just a terrible nightmare.  That won't happen.  

Over the weekend we went down to the beach for a few hours.  Things were fine. THEN the tears started to fall, then pour out of my eyes.  Why or dear why Lord?  Rich thought he said something to upset me.  He asked me what he did...did I do anything, something?  The answer was no.  In my head memories flooded over me.  Little boys playing in the water, giggling, building sand castles.  Older boys tossing shells into the water.  Boys diving by my side, a young boy learning how to swim and snorkel.  Why Lord? You should have told him no...you should have told him it wasn't his time yet!  

We returned home and talked for quite a while.  A friend had asked for pictures when we felt that we could.  It is sometimes shocking to us that we spend so much time with friends and family, yet we don't capture those moments on film.  So we sat at the computer and began going through the photos from the time we moved to Tennessee.  I think I was able to make it through 2 years of photos....I just broke completely.  Full on Grief Attack.  How, Why, When did this happy, bouncy, boy that I often called Tigger and Bambi Dear as he would run down the basketball court, lose his inner happiness?  Well I know that answer....September 10, 2010.  

There are days that I am angry with his Dad.  I am angry he didn't talk to Jared and tell him to move forward and be happy and help me help Jared.  Then at times I think he did.  I think Jared just was not listening.  A teenager not listen?  While Jared had a strong faith, I am sure it was confusing when he would get signs and messages from his Dad.  

I wish so many things....but mostly I wish Jared peace and happiness in Heaven.  I hope he and his Dad are doing all the things they couldn't do on Earth, but most of all I KNOW they are spending time together without negative powers.  

I also have been struggling and trying to ignore all the publicity over Robin Williams' suicide.  It seems to be the way of the world to pay tribute then he is gone.  I hoped that his fellow stars would come out and stand up for suicide.  I hoped they would rally to call to stop this terrible disease.  But they would rather talk about the details of taking his life.  I have a real issue with that.  I don't like seeing death on TV at all...movies, news, it doesn't matter.  I did not watch the video of Tony Stewart's racing accident.  I did not watch the video of the shooting in MO.  I don't like that.  I think it is irresponsible of the media to put it out for everyone to see.  I am sick that we say it is the right of free speech.....that is true.  HOWEVER, what about my rights as a family member to not have to see that over and over and over and over and over and over again?  I used to have a sign hanging in my classroom in Illinois "Having Rights = Having Responsibilities".  The media need to understand that.  While they have the right to report on things they SHOULD BE responsible enough to have compassion to those who are hurting.  The thing is...it is more than just those in that place at the time.  What do I mean?  I mean, Robin Williams' suicide touches everyone who has lost a loved one by suicide.  It reopens the wounds that so many struggle every day to heal.  The racing tragedy opens wounds to all who have lost a loved one on a track.  The Missouri tragedy opens the wounds of those who have been trying to heal from violence.  Both BLACK AND WHITE!  

Two months ago today, friends on island said goodbye to Jared in their own way.  They celebrated him and the way he touched them.  They played their hearts out on the soccer field.  Then we celebrated with other friends on the Boardwalk as he would have wanted as I watched a beautiful bird continue to fly over us.

Remembering Robin

Even if you are from the plant Ork you know Robin Williams.  I don't know of a person on this planet that hasn't been touched by him no matter what your age is.  Like all the others that have taken their life, Robin Williams was so happy on the outside.  He was always making us laugh, entertaining us, and bringing happiness to others, all the while battling a daemon inside.  It is ironic how his Disney character may say it best.  You are free now Genie.  He has been trapped and trying to get out of captivity and he chose the only way he knew.  Those of us who are intimate with suicide know how to read the reports and know how he took his life.  I have extreme sadness today as I did as a fell to sleep last night, a physical pain in my heart.  I feel for his wife, his 2 ex-wives, and for his three children.  They each will go through a grief like no other.  What will make it worse for them is he is loved and known around the World.  You will hear all kind of stories posted online and on TV.  Some of these stories will be very hurtful to the family.
Last night on the boardwalk I was engaged in a conversation about Robin Williams.  I had to leave an area just before that because of a young woman and young man who were seemingly intoxicated going on and on and talking about suicide and how could he and the multiple ways he probably did it.  I then landed in a conversation about how another person's best friend took his life.
If there were one thing I could change about the World is we would quit talking about graphic details of such terrible things.  Why are we so interested.  When you get a vision of such horror in your head you can't get it out.  When you see things of such horror, you can't un-see those things.  I refused to watch the video that was posted everywhere of the Tony Stewart accident that took the life of a fellow competitor.  I can't un-see that if I watch it.  I don't need that in my head.  For this exact reason we haven't shared the method Jared chose.  We don't want our friends and family to have a visual of such sadness.  I have had many people reach out and ask how, but I am extremely careful in who I tell.  Some I know can handle it but I will not share with young people.  They don't need it.
I am proud the media and the family of Robin Williams is telling you why he took his life....depression.  That is the reason everyone does.  There is an inner demon in depression....some call the devil.  Please if you are touched by this demon in the future, don't ask why they took their life, you know that answer.  Many will leave notes or post on social media how people drove them to it, how someone upset them.  These are the mechanisms to allow themselves to justify their actions.  Why is depression.
I hope that Robin Williams' death will bring the much needed attention to this 100% preventable cause of death.  WHO (World Health Organization) has already realized this is an epidemic and it needs to be stopped, that is why it is their focus through 2020.  Why then do schools not want to do all they can to bring awareness to students that there is help?  Why do employers not want to hang a poster up with a phone number in case anyone needs help?  It doesn't cost anything to do this?
Many people have reached out to me since last night to insure I was OK.  Yes, this pours salt in an open wound that is trying to heal.  But I know, like Jared's tragedy, Robin Williams will work from above to help reach people.