What Has Changed?

This is a question that has been eating at me for a week now.  While feeling warmth from the display one of our Keepers Clubs did in Illinois and all the positive media coverage it got a punch in the gut happened.  Oh I knew it would just wasn't expecting the age of the individual.  I always prepare myself for the rudest of rude people.  I saw the comments, how about you display all the lives lost to mass school shootings or how about you display all the murder rates?  Truth is I could add all those up and include all the deaths from our military and they do NOT equate to the number of people we loose from suicide.  Sometimes I just want to unleash and say, why don't you look up Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc before you ask such dumb questions?  But I don't.  But then a retired man posted this...my 90 year old mother said that people who couldn't handle problems in her day were locked up and restrained if needed.  Seems we are missing something.  What has changed since then?
Full disclosure, I read that comment while sitting on the Boardwalk sharing adult beverages with a couple of friends and my husband.  I told myself, while I had a knee jerk answer to wait until morning to reply.  Which I did.  My answer started out with EVERYTHING.  So even after answering him in a mature way this still has been eating at me. WHY?

The actions of those who share this world with us continue to point this out to me.  First, I shook my head the entire time I responded to that man.  Thinking to myself, he is seriously asking me this because he doesn't understand.  He wasn't being rude.  So I Googled It....That is one answer.

1913 The zipper

1914 Motorized movie cameras

1915 Pyrex

1916 Electric power drill

1917 Radio tuners

1918 The superheterodyne radio circuit

1919 The pop up toaster

1920 The hairdryer

1921 The modern lie detector

1922 Electric kettle

1923 Self-winding watch

1924 Loudspeaker

1925 Modern day can opener

1926 Tevelox robot

1927 Aerosol can

1928 Baird Television Department Company television

1929 Car radio

1930 Jet engine

1931 Electric razor

1932 Electric can opener

1933 The Teasmade tea maker

1934 Zippo lighter

1935 Radar

1936 First voice recognition machine

1937 Dirt Devil

1938 The biro ballpoint pen

1939 Helicopter

1940 Modern color television

1941 Artificial heart

1942 The turboprop engine

1943 The Slinky

1944 Kidney dialysis machine

1945 Clock radio

1946 Disposable diapers

1947 Kenwood food mixer

1948 First pager

1949 Photo-Pac disposable camera

1950 Alkaline batteries

1951 Power steering

1952 SAGE modem

1953 Black box flight recorder

1954 Regency pocket radio

1955 Breathalyser

1956 Behind the ear hearing aid

1957 Casio digital watch

1958 Pacemaker

1959 Black and Decker cordless drill

1960 Stereos/hi-fi

1961 Kodak Instamatic

1962 LED.. light-emitting diode

1963 The Telefunken ‘mouse’

1964 Plasma television

1965 Y. Hatano’s pedmoter

1966 El-Gi 1:12 Ferrari radio controlled car

1967 Polaroid

1968 Smoke detector

1969 The Internet

1970 Digital thermometer

1971 Handy pocket calculator

1972 Multi socket power plug

1973 The Ethernet

1974 Breville sandwich maker

1975 Kodak digital camera

1976 Lithium batteries

1977 Mattel Electronic Football

1978 Victor HR-3300REK – first VHS video recorder

1979 Texas Instruments Speak and Spell

1980 Sony Walkman

1981 Epson HX-20 – the world’s first laptop

1982 Sony Watchman – CD player

1983 Commodore 64

1984 Sony Disc-man

1985 The Leatherman multi-tool

1986 Bose noise cancelling headphones

1987 Sony super VHS camcorder

1988 Digital mobile phones

1989 World Wide Web

1990 Nintendo Game Boy

1991 Nintendo SNES

1992 Palm Pilot

1993 Dyson vacuum cleaner

1994 Digital cordless telephone /Mega Drive

1995 PlayStation 1

1996 Audio Highway – world’s first MP3 player

1997 Motorola StarTac

1998 Panasonic portable DVD player

1999 DVR by TiVo

2000 The Trek Tech/IBM – flash drive

2001 Apple iPod

2002 PlayStation 2

2003 Blackberry 6210

2004 Samsung OLED TV

2005 Xbox 360

2006 SanDisk Micro SD

2007 Apple iPhone

2008 Beats by Dre

2009 Twitter

2010 Apple iPad

2011 Kindle Fire

2012 Nexus 7

2013 PlayStation 4

This list is from literock969.com of Northfield, NJ

So a few things have changed since his mother was a child.  Likewise accountability is no longer understood.  We constantly hear people screaming they have a right to know this and a right to know that.  We have a responsibility to protect too.  Example, the leaks of the spies that were gathering intelligence for us that an individual took upon himself to expose and ultimately cost them their life.  Yes he had a right to know, but more than that he had a responsibility to that human life to keep it to himself until they were safe.  

Recently the Halloween displays that are causing controversy are the same. People have a right to them.  They also have a responsibility to children not to cause emotional harm, to law enforcement and the tax payers to insure that countless hours are not spent insuring the display is not real people, and to anyone who has experienced such horror.

The media has also changed.  When I was a child the news would have NEVER shown anything as graphic as it does today.  Let alone think nothing of showing it.  I remember being home sick when President Reagan was shot.  I was only in 2nd grade but remember it well.  I also remember the news anchors being overwhelmed with grief and sadness and would not show the actual moment the President was shot.  They showed up until and taking down the suspect.  But actual footage did not get shown after the live coverage until years later.  

I would also say a mega shift in parenting has taken place.  More people have babies than have families in my opinion.  They have babies for multiple reasons.  I hear people say it often that they need a break from parenting.  Nope that didn't happen in his mother's time now did it?  Mom was at home with the children and had a full time job there with gardening, mending, cleaning, etc.  Now we run to Wal-mart and grab a new item instead of fixing anything, we hire people to clean our houses and do floral gardening not vegetable gardening.  We go to the local Farmer's Market because it makes us feel good to have "organic" food.  Then we run by McDonald's and grab dinner for the family on the way home.  So what has changed?  

We had children go to school far fewer hours with a higher quality education too.  Oh boy stand back while the arrows fly at me for that one.  IT IS TRUE!  The students of a 100 years ago didn't go near the number or hours they do now.  They are no smarter now than then in fact some would argue they are far less intelligent.  The children had chores before school and after school and responsibilities to the family.  Now, many children won't see their parents for two or more days and they certainly don't eat anything until they get to school.  So the schools had to extend their days to allow time to eat, nap, exercise and release the built up energy of the children.  Then after school programs were put into place.  Homework, HOW DARE YOU CRAZY SCHOOL MY CHILD HAS TOO MUCH TO DO TO DO YOUR STUPID HOMEWORK.  Don't believe me?  Log onto Facebook.  I see parents posting all the time how their child has 2 worksheets and they don't understand why the teacher doesn't let them do it at school they have sports and shopping and this and that to do no time for homework.  (eyes rolling)  Gone are the days of home from school, have snack, do homework, play outside.  

So when did the F-bomb turn into an acceptable adjective?  Wow do I remember when my mother THOUGHT I said the F-bomb.  Let alone my grandfather.  Now toddlers are flipping the bird on posts by and with parents and dropping the F-bomb like an infant drops their pacifier.    I think we can say they are not bombs any longer.  

Criminal activity once upon a time was frowned upon now it is glorified.  We celebrate those who climb to the top of a flag pole and rip down government property.  We see nothing wrong with people getting angry and burning down stores and stealing everything they can get their hands on.  Now it has non stop coverage on CNN and it is ok, they are angry.  BS I call BS.  

Once upon a time we held PEOPLE accountable now we blame things.  A shooter goes into a school, theater, mall, etc and it is the guns fault.  No it is his/her fault.  May have others at fault too but gun didn't shoot by itself.  We had 911 and that killed thousands of people and destroyed many more, we didn't blame the planes we blamed the terrorists.  

Accountability and Responsibility have been lost.  That is my opinion on what has changed.  We can write all the laws we want.  Until the "system" follows them things won't change for the better.  

Anger

Anger is an overwhelming emotion at times.  If we don't keep it in check it will consume us like a deadly cancer.  Anger is a normal stage in grief, and as most of us know, we go in and out of stages for varying periods of time.  While we all know how devastating depression can be on us, we often times forget about just how destructive anger can be.

Many people experience anger toward the loved one whom we lost.  For me, I have been angry at Jared for taking his life, for leaving me alone, for not being here with me, for hurting his friends, for.....well many things.  I have also been angry at those who continued to stand in the way of my son  healing healthy after the loss of his father less than four years prior.  I have been angry at God.  I have been angry at myself.  I have just been angry.

What I realized, and come to understand through my loss, is anger can call you to action or destroy you.  It is your choice.

If you choose to let anger destroy you, most likely you will take others down with you.  You can let it consume you to the point of becoming physically ill.  You can become so focused on control of things and people around you that you forget to love those around you.  Anger can drive those that love you the most away.

One of the issues born from anger that we see more of today, especially in schools, is bullying.  Those who are angry within and have not been taught how, or not supported in, processing and releasing anger in a healthy manner can turn to being the bully.  It is especially common with boys.  They are taught to show no emotions and not to talk about problems.  So they keep it inside.  Unfortunately, we are all like a balloon, we can only hold so much before we pop.  We must learn and teach our children to release those emotions in healthy, constructive ways.

We have seen the news where angry individuals walk into schools, churches, movie theaters and other public locations and kill or harm many individuals there.  Innocent people hurt because of unresolved, uncontrolled anger.  Many of the stories of those who do such heinous crimes, we later learn, had been suffering from a mental illness of some sort that had gone untreated.  That mental illness could be depression, anxiety, self-esteem, or more severe illnesses like clinical depression, schizophrenia, or any number of other illnesses.

The first step in all of this is to stop the stigma!  Stop joking about mental illnesses.

Reach out for help when needed and support those around you who are wanting to reach out for help.  Don't discourage them in fear of embarrassment.  If someone near you needs help then encourage and support them to seek professional help.

Anger can also call you to action.  Many times amazing charities are born out of anger towards a problem.  This happened with me.  Jared's friends were angry at losing teens to suicide and together we started Jared's Keepers Foundation, Inc.  We put our anger to work to solve a problem that we didn't see much help for.  The problem of teen suicide.  Many other wonderful organizations have come from the same anger channel.  Many people have come to volunteer at organizations and help others from their anger at a problem.  MADD was born out of anger toward the problem of drunk driving.  Motivational speakers have turned anger into inspiration.  Others use the anger they have inside to drive them to success in life. Astronaut Story Musgrave is a testament to this.  He lost both parents and a brother to suicide and used all that anger to drive him to success in life.

In grief, there are no easy answers, especially when it comes to anger.  We each have a choice.  What is yours?

Learning To Be Happy For Others While Grieving

It is so hard at times to keep that smile on and not shout out, "shut the BLEEP up!"  In the early weeks of Jared's loss people walked on eggshells around me.  I encouraged them to celebrate their children, even as I mourn the loss of mine.  After all, Jared was always the one celebrating his friends and cheering them on.  I felt it important for those around me to know it is ok to talk about their child or children.   As time goes on though, I do find myself arguing with....myself.  Sometimes you get that parent who just wants to make excuses why they haven't called, emailed, messaged, or otherwise acknowledged your existence since you lost your child.  That is when the "other" side of me screams inside my head, "shut up already, I know your child is alive and well and life is grand".  Then I also think, wish you could feel this for just one hour, not a minute more, just one hour to understand.  I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me.  I just want people to understand.  I want them to understand that your child is important to me, you are important to me, but my child was also important to me.  I hate when people try to justify their loss of things they enjoyed in life to my loss of a child.  NOPE, not the same.  I am sorry your friends are all too busy to go have dinner each week and that makes you sad and I know it is a big loss to you, BUT it is nothing like my loss.  Thank you for trying.

I have worked hard on myself to insure I did not, and do not, become bitter, isolated, and allow myself to go to a dark area of life.  That is probably the hardest thing I have ever done.  Why?  Because it is easy to do all of those things.  It is easy to be sad. In fact it takes no work whatsoever to be sad.  THAT, is sad.  It takes no work to isolate yourself from other.  It takes lots of work to gain the strength, courage, and motivation to leave the house and deal with the looks, stares, back turning, and avoidance that takes place to those who are left behind.  While I am left behind from my only child taking his life, I think this is true no matter what loved one is lost and how they were lost.  People just don't know what to say, so they avoid it at all costs to them.

 I have learned to develop coping skills when I am confronted with the extremely gloating parent (usually momma) who just continues to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on about their pride and joy.  How their child is the smartest, most talented, most high achieving child to ever live. First, I smile.   I think to myself, Jared would tell you quite a different story after we left.  He would also say, they are just a proud mom, just like you.  OK, Fine that makes sense.
Next, I keep my mouth shut.  Your loss of your small child and my loss of my child cannot be compared, so I don't even try to explain to them.  Jared would tell me that too.
Last, I always try to complement the child being praised by the happy parent.  It is good they are doing that.  Unfortunately, I have found too many who know little to nothing about what their child does.

I have made my focus in life to save lives now.  I tried with all my might to save Jared and lost that fight.  If I can save one, it was worth the fight.  I would never tell a parent to quit talking about their child, because I will never quit talking about mine.  I can be happy for the child and the parent in these situations because I can watch that child blossom into an amazing adult.

While I gave birth to just one child, I have always found myself surrounded by many.  In a way that is God's way of giving me children.

Traveling

I am writing this from high above the ocean on the way to Miami.  It is an unusually clear afternoon and the sun is beginning to set.  The colors are the most amazing colors and so vibrant.   It is absolutely breath taking.  As we have flown over several islands and sandbars I am amazed at God's beauty he has given us to enjoy.  Likewise, the people who have come across my path have blessed me.  A man in line asked me what I do and I shared with him what I do and why I am headed back to the states.   He first wasn't sure how to reapond. But he quickly thanked me and said more people need to join the fight.  On to the waiting area where I met a nice couple. They too asked as small talk that quickly turned into a connection.   When the young woman found out what I did, she began to cry.  I said, you have lost someone, and she shook her haed.  As I got tissues from my purse to share, she said too many.  I looked at her and she repeated I have lost too many.  She took our flyer and said she would share with her group in Atlanta. Let me time hop.....
This morning when I awoke, I followed my normal routine to the bathroom where a beautiful bird was looking in the window at me.  Remember Jared connects through birds.  I walked by 3 times before getting my phone to take a picture.  I  took three picture and a video. He let me go right up to that window and never showed fear.  A few tears of happiness fell and then I said I must go back and rest as I will have a long day of travel.  I posted those pictures on Facebook, set my phone down to charge to full, and stared out the window, when another bird landed on our balcony rail.  He looked at me and then ran across the rail.  All the time looking in the windows.  I found it an amazing sign on the day I was to fly to the states to begin my speaking tour on prevention.
Zoe knew something was going on and moped around and spent much of her time on my lap.  Then the phone call amd email came.  Flight delayed.  GREAT!   YET, I was still required to check in at the original time. 
Now back to my story....
Before our delayed plane arrived the first man came back to me to share a website with about spiritual connections.  How awesome!
Not sure what lies ahead on this trip but I know I have an army of Angels working beside me.  I feel safe and protected.
More to come......we are on an uneventful flightto Nashville.   I guess that is good.  I am on a regional jet so it is 2 seats on either side of the isle.  I am sitting with a nice woman who is stationed at Ft Campbell, KY.  Thankfully it is quiet and many readers and sleepers on this leg....lol. The only downfall to these planes are no TV and music so I read amd that makes me sleepy.  Stop that you have to drive on the right not left, you must be wide awake!.  I do love these jets because the leg room is awesome.  The seats are comfortable but pressure changes are extremely noticible for me. 
The Captain says we are decending and almost reached 10,000 feet right now.  Ear pop, ear pop, ugghhh.  Maybe we will be early.....I know wishful thinking. 

Accepting

I was the youngest child for both my parents, and the only child between them.  I had the benefits of growing up in a large family and being the only child at the same time.  I was closer to one brother than all other siblings.  He was 10 years older than I am and wasn't only a brother but also a protector. My father died when I was just eight from complications from alcoholism during the he and my mother were going through a divorce.
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died.  I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there.  He was perfect, far from it.  In fact I would even say part evil.  However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving.  The alcoholic him was pure evil.  I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done.  It was my first real experience in a funeral home.  I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance.  What do you do at a funeral home?  How do you act at a funeral home?  Why does everyone come to a funeral home?  I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral.  I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket.  That pillow was given to me as a keep sake.  Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest.  I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on.  I am eight!  I was in second grade.  None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were.  I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid.  Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years.  Honestly?  It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather.  He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him.  We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed.  He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family.  But truth is, he deserved all we did and more.  I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine.  I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing.  He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more".    The funeral in the days following was emotional.  We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day.  A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy.  That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old.  He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him.  He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor.  I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different.  That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be.  I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair.  The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why?  Why do that to my family?  Why do that to his parents and siblings?  Why?  Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family.  In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother.  That too brings pain to many of us in the family.  In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together.  I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them.  I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event.  To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob.  I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss.  I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing.  I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak.  I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified.  I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them.  I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss.  If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer.  I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place.  I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening.  I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must.  I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain.  Is that really too much to ask for?

It Is Time To Stand Up

This last week has been difficult for me.  I have had emotional highs and lows.  I have been short tempered and easily agitated.  I have watched as children head back to school and off to college.  Somehow it is more difficult this year than it was last year.  Perhaps because I was still in that fog that helps to protect us following a tragedy.  All of these beautiful pictures and wonderful thoughts and hopes I have for these young people quickly prompt thoughts of those experiences I will never have.

I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get.  I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had.  I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren.  All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.

I have had anger that has been intense.  Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college.  While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again.  They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child.  Those who have lost a child never again get that.  While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent.  It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.

I want to be selfish.  I want to be irresponsible.  I want to pretend life is not how it really is.  But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.

This is a difficult place to be.  I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down.  I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down.  I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live.  There is no good answer for any of it.

I want desperately to have the life back I once had.  But that can never be.  I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.

Anger has been hitting me from another angle.  It is extreme and volatile.  While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me.  How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him.  How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with.  How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again.  HOW DARE YOU!

So with this anger comes strong focus and determination.  I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.

My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them.  He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes.  He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.

Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either.  Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone.  Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me.  Why?  Because they don't deserve my time.  I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.

Healing Takes Forever

Early on in my grief journey, I realized this was not going to be a "get over it quickly" type of thing.  I had a strong desire to read everything I could on grief, suicide, and the afterlife.  I came to realize quickly that this journey will not end until I take my last breath.  People have asked me how I stay strong and this is what I explain to them.

Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery.  Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out.  If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time.  So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free.  Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.

Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks.  I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them.  Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most.  I don't like anger and/or hate.  In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him.  Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow.  This also goes hand in hand with guilt.  The "if only"s drive me crazy at times.  If only  he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery.  You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control.  However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.

As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night.  One of those is my Tear Bucket.  I have what I refer to as the tear bucket.  When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket.  I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears.  Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.

Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm.  It is learning to live completely different.  It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently.  It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently.  It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way.  This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery.  If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger.  For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness.  I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.

Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss.  My support system has changed and morphed during my journey.  I also know as time continues it will continue to change.  Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street.  Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family.  Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.

Also like surgery, some cannot recover.  Grief too, can take those who cannot recover.  While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet.  There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child.  Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.

Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief.  It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it.  We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.