How did you say that? Go ahead say it outloud. "Them Kids"
Did you say it with frustration in your voice? Did you say it with awe in your voice? Did you day it with disbelief in your voice? Did you say it with anger in your voice? Did you day or with disappointment in your voice? Did you say it worth amazement in your voice?
Throughout this month I have heard those two words used with many inflections. You know they say emails can be read the wrong way? Well these two words are living proof.
I have heard "them kids" more than I can count this month. I have also reflected and contemplated on this. Here is how I feel about "them kids".
I have had people share stories with me of children "coming out" with thier family about being gay, lesbian, transgender, and bisexual recently. A friend of mine confided in me, then felt guilty as if they had burdened me with thier issue. The issue was fear for loss of thier marriage and family unit. What my friend didn't realize is they shared that fear and then had support no matter the outcome of supporting the child in the coming days as the rest of the family unit was told.
I have had stories shared about children who chose unexpected paths. As an example, one story was of a young man who was extremely talented in the theatrical arts, while dad was a standout athlete. I also heard the story of an academically over achieving young woman who is headed to a trade school or possible military.
I have heard stories of young people being destructive and how the youth today just don't care about anything.
I have heard stories of young men who have saved lives by getting involved when others didn't. I heard stories of how one young lady wasn't going to let some of her classmates fail and not graduate so she volunteered her time to help every one of them make it.
Them kids!
So this is what I think.
Adults are selfish! That is what I think. Why? What? How dare I?
See in every situation I encountered it wasn't about what was best for or made the young adult happy it was about how it made the adults feel. I know some of you just said "Deb the butter just slipped off your noodle." Here is why I say this. See the story I told you first, it was fear of how the parent would react. Fear of embarrassment of the parent. Fear of shame put on the parent by others. Oh boy, it is time to practice what we as parents have preached for ever, don't worry what others will think about you. Easier said than done isn't it?
The athlete, artistic, and trade or military stories I shared, well they too are selfish parents. Not my kid! My child will be in the NFL or will go to Harvard because I want that bumper sticker to make me look important and make "me" happy. Well parents, it isn't about us, it is about our children's happiness and if you can't be happy and proud of them for being the best at whatever they do, shame on you, not them.
Now how about thoseother two stories, how does that make the adults selfish? Well, certaily pride for those young adults are easily seen in the eyes of thier parents but more interesting is that it is the surrounding adults who want to take the glory for something they didn't do! I watched as school officials took pride in the fact they had a student do what THEY should have been doing. This student made that school look great on all those state reports to hit thier graduation percentile.
But here is what I saw. I saw "them kids" who are amazing, lazy, caring, selfish, empathetic, compassionate, purpose driven, inquisitive, love deprived, abused, neglected, ignored, over achieving, under achieving, achieving, stressed, emotional, emotionless, clean, dirty, happy, sad, disappointed, elated, proud, and perfect the way they are. They are perfect the way they are! Say that again slowly, THEY ARE PERFECT THE WAY THEY ARE!
The things I have heard and seen this month is mind boggling on many levels.
But parents I am calling you out on this one. If your child reaches out to you for help, shut up, listen, forget about how people will think of you, and think of your child. Get that child help if they ask for it. I have had more cases of this than I care to think about this month. When your child says to you they are cutting, they don't mean class they mean thier bodies HELP THEM! When they tell you they are huffing, that doesn't mean they are frustrated they are getting high! Please for the love of God and your child stop your BS and help your child!
I don't want to have your name come across for a Keeper Box. I don't want you in this sorority of Angel Parents. I don't want you to feel the pain that we feel.
I also want to address those who feel suicide is cowardly. I am sorry you feel that way. I too once thought that, because that is what I had always heard. Reality is, that is false. What is true is suicide is a permanent solution to what MIGHT be a temporary problem. What IS true is suicide is about stopping a pain so deep, so dark, so vast, that those who never have felt such pain, have no way to empathize with such pain.
Them kids are our future. Then kids are going to do some wonderful things. Them kids are just the way they are supposed to be.
Them adults, well we need to work on a few things.
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
"Them Kids"
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Getting Ready
The last two months have been a whirlwind to say the least. But in just five days all the planning that has taken place will begin to take life. Zoe and I will board a plane to Nashville for most all of May. I am so ready to have change for a while. However I wouldn't be completely honest with you if I didn't say there are things I am struggling with right now.
First mother's day! I hope for a peace filled day but as always there is anxiety with it. I will be with my mom and at least one of my brothers. Hoping to spend some time with other family as well but everyone is busy so who knows.
Prom! Yep the pictures started this weekend showing up on Facebook. My heart breaks and a few tears have fallen but a part of me is happy for all of them too.
Graduation! Anxiety beyond words. I will watch a class graduate that I watched four years ago promote into high school. Jared was so happy that day. But I also am happy for all of the kids and I am looking forward to seeing what Jared has in store for that night. I know there will be signs and his presence there playing jokes on his friends.
There are things I am looking forward to. Like the huge fundraiser on the 16th. It will be awesome. I look forward to talking to several groups with Kelsey. I look forward to seeing friends and loved ones.
I am sure I will have a couple of melt downs along the way but I know there will be lots of happy memories and laughs.
I am in hopes to get back to blogging more throughout this adventure.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Coming Out Of Darkness
The last few weeks have been filled with much anxiety for me. They have been terrifying at times. I was not looking forward to things I should have been excited for. Why? Because life once again slapped me in the face and said - it is real, he is gone. For 17 years I have been excited to prepare Easter Baskets and shop for birthday gifts. I was transformed back to the days following Jared's death when my calendar that was full of appointments revolving around him just disappeared. My busy calendar was empty. Once again, what should have been a time to tizzy, was quiet. So much so I overlooked the fact I had a wedding anniversary to celebrate.
Rich, always trying to take the pain away, convinced me that we needed to go away and we have been wanting to have a vacation of just relaxation rather than full of appointments. So we booked a cruise. At first I was overwhelmed with guilt about it. How can I go without Jared? But then I could hear him say, don't worry I will be right there with you. Boy was he right.
So we flew to San Juan to catch the ship and on Easter we traveled all the way back to the VI. We were in St. Thomas. We chose to relax since we had just been there the month before surprising my in-laws when then arrived by ship. So we spent a little time shopping but most of it enjoying a quiet time on the ship. We had our first formal night and were seated for the week at a table for 6. When we arrived just another couple was present. This would be true the entire week. I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that I heard Jared say I will be there and then had an empty chair at dinner the entire week that I could see him sitting in laughing, joking, talking about the day, and ordering the most adventurous food on the menu. In fact I chuckled out lout when I saw escargot appear and remember the first time he had it and loved it. I could hear him on the night lobster was served. He and I both loved seafood so we really enjoyed that experience together.
As Easter came to a close, I thought to myself how funny it was that I could somehow hear and feel Jared present with me. He was so very strong in his closeness to me last week.
Two short days later we were on the island of Martinique and The Martins celebrated our anniversary. It was a great day and I really found myself laughing at memories of Jared with us throughout our time together. From the memory of him jumping into Rich's arms as a three year old to the night he lectured Rich and I if we love each other we should be married, to the playful child on the beach that just heard the water, shells, and coral calling his name during our beach wedding that he nearly tripped the videographer during the ceremony as he was tossing bits of coral into the ocean. I thought of the times he loved to cook for us and happy times on cruises and vacations. We ended the day with going to the show and then heading off to bed. I could feel a playfulness in the air but would not understand it for a couple more days.
Two days later, April 9, I woke with tears falling. I told myself I will celebrate his day and not be sad for he is spending the day with his dad in heaven. On this day we were in Granada. This was a place we had not been before. We stopped for a walk on a beautiful beach and heart shaped coral seemed to be appearing with each step I took. I was overwhelmed. At first I began picking the pieces up until I realized the ship simply would not hold the weight. A few shells jumped out as I could hear, Mom check this one out. Goose bumps surfaced and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could hear and see him playing in the water doing flops and swimming as if he were right there. I began to cry and Rich noticed and comforted me. We then walked hand in hand down to the other side of the beach. We found a little bar next to a pool at a hotel. We stopped in and something directed my attention to a Frozen Mudslide. That is what I ordered. See in the VI Jared would have been legal drinking age so I had one for him. I could then hear his chattiness surface all the way back to our tour group and back to the ship. I could hear him pointing stuff out and while some don't believe, I honestly did not see many things until I heard him and would turn to look for them and then see them. For a period of time I forgot he was gone, it was THAT real. That evening we returned to our cabin and things appeared as usual. However, I would find this to not be the case.
You see the next day Rich began to share things with me. Like the shower head had been pointed directly in his face. On the ship the removal shower head was adjustable. When the stewardess would clean she always left it down after cleaning the shower. Then he shared that the usual towel animal, daily paper, and what should have been the remote that always awaited us at the foot of the bed, was not as usual. The remote had been placed under the turn down of the duvet at the head of the bed. I laughed at Rich and said why would she do that and how would she know exactly where your head would be in the shower? Later I saw our stewardess while Rich was out and about. I asked her and pure horror came over her. She was concerned we were mad and would give her a bad review. She swore she had not done either thing and said she always put the shower head to the bottom and the remote on top of the paper. I laughed and assured her we were not upset and I think I know who did it. She looked puzzled but I left it at that.
That night when we arrived at our cabin she had made a special towel creation just for Rich.
I shared this with Rich but he simply did not completely buy into Jared playing jokes on him. That was until we arrived back on island. We visited the boardwalk our first evening back and the couple who run the Scooter Shop here on island caught Rich and told him about Jared's picture falling "the day before yesterday". They didn't want me to see it missing and be upset. See they put a photo of him up to honor him along side others that have been lost on island. I am told Rich began to laugh and told them to come share the story with me I would laugh at it and I would tell them why.
He came outside with me and said they would be coming to talk to me. Phil and Sandy each came at different times and told me and said how afraid they were to tell me. I laughed and said it was Jared! I explained how that was his birthday and the way I see it, he didn't much care for his picture being taken and he did lay his scooter down three times. So perhaps on his birthday, after a bit too much celebrating, he fell off the wall....lol I still have not had the courage to go to the garage to see if the scooter is standing or laying on its' side....LOL
This week so far has been busy with preparations for my trip in two weeks! YIKES!
So much must be finished up and completed and taken care of and OMG I must fix meals to divide up and freeze for Rich to eat while I am gone (because he will starve you know) and I have to pack and hey btw you just got the location of the fundraiser moved, holy cow now to replan the infrastructure of where we are now going to be (which is where I wanted to be in the first place) etc etc etc.
Zoe is starving for "mommy" time and glad to be home too. Things are just simply crazy, but good, right now.
Rich, always trying to take the pain away, convinced me that we needed to go away and we have been wanting to have a vacation of just relaxation rather than full of appointments. So we booked a cruise. At first I was overwhelmed with guilt about it. How can I go without Jared? But then I could hear him say, don't worry I will be right there with you. Boy was he right.
So we flew to San Juan to catch the ship and on Easter we traveled all the way back to the VI. We were in St. Thomas. We chose to relax since we had just been there the month before surprising my in-laws when then arrived by ship. So we spent a little time shopping but most of it enjoying a quiet time on the ship. We had our first formal night and were seated for the week at a table for 6. When we arrived just another couple was present. This would be true the entire week. I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that I heard Jared say I will be there and then had an empty chair at dinner the entire week that I could see him sitting in laughing, joking, talking about the day, and ordering the most adventurous food on the menu. In fact I chuckled out lout when I saw escargot appear and remember the first time he had it and loved it. I could hear him on the night lobster was served. He and I both loved seafood so we really enjoyed that experience together.
As Easter came to a close, I thought to myself how funny it was that I could somehow hear and feel Jared present with me. He was so very strong in his closeness to me last week.
Two short days later we were on the island of Martinique and The Martins celebrated our anniversary. It was a great day and I really found myself laughing at memories of Jared with us throughout our time together. From the memory of him jumping into Rich's arms as a three year old to the night he lectured Rich and I if we love each other we should be married, to the playful child on the beach that just heard the water, shells, and coral calling his name during our beach wedding that he nearly tripped the videographer during the ceremony as he was tossing bits of coral into the ocean. I thought of the times he loved to cook for us and happy times on cruises and vacations. We ended the day with going to the show and then heading off to bed. I could feel a playfulness in the air but would not understand it for a couple more days.
Two days later, April 9, I woke with tears falling. I told myself I will celebrate his day and not be sad for he is spending the day with his dad in heaven. On this day we were in Granada. This was a place we had not been before. We stopped for a walk on a beautiful beach and heart shaped coral seemed to be appearing with each step I took. I was overwhelmed. At first I began picking the pieces up until I realized the ship simply would not hold the weight. A few shells jumped out as I could hear, Mom check this one out. Goose bumps surfaced and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I could hear and see him playing in the water doing flops and swimming as if he were right there. I began to cry and Rich noticed and comforted me. We then walked hand in hand down to the other side of the beach. We found a little bar next to a pool at a hotel. We stopped in and something directed my attention to a Frozen Mudslide. That is what I ordered. See in the VI Jared would have been legal drinking age so I had one for him. I could then hear his chattiness surface all the way back to our tour group and back to the ship. I could hear him pointing stuff out and while some don't believe, I honestly did not see many things until I heard him and would turn to look for them and then see them. For a period of time I forgot he was gone, it was THAT real. That evening we returned to our cabin and things appeared as usual. However, I would find this to not be the case.
You see the next day Rich began to share things with me. Like the shower head had been pointed directly in his face. On the ship the removal shower head was adjustable. When the stewardess would clean she always left it down after cleaning the shower. Then he shared that the usual towel animal, daily paper, and what should have been the remote that always awaited us at the foot of the bed, was not as usual. The remote had been placed under the turn down of the duvet at the head of the bed. I laughed at Rich and said why would she do that and how would she know exactly where your head would be in the shower? Later I saw our stewardess while Rich was out and about. I asked her and pure horror came over her. She was concerned we were mad and would give her a bad review. She swore she had not done either thing and said she always put the shower head to the bottom and the remote on top of the paper. I laughed and assured her we were not upset and I think I know who did it. She looked puzzled but I left it at that.
That night when we arrived at our cabin she had made a special towel creation just for Rich.
I shared this with Rich but he simply did not completely buy into Jared playing jokes on him. That was until we arrived back on island. We visited the boardwalk our first evening back and the couple who run the Scooter Shop here on island caught Rich and told him about Jared's picture falling "the day before yesterday". They didn't want me to see it missing and be upset. See they put a photo of him up to honor him along side others that have been lost on island. I am told Rich began to laugh and told them to come share the story with me I would laugh at it and I would tell them why.
He came outside with me and said they would be coming to talk to me. Phil and Sandy each came at different times and told me and said how afraid they were to tell me. I laughed and said it was Jared! I explained how that was his birthday and the way I see it, he didn't much care for his picture being taken and he did lay his scooter down three times. So perhaps on his birthday, after a bit too much celebrating, he fell off the wall....lol I still have not had the courage to go to the garage to see if the scooter is standing or laying on its' side....LOL
This week so far has been busy with preparations for my trip in two weeks! YIKES!
So much must be finished up and completed and taken care of and OMG I must fix meals to divide up and freeze for Rich to eat while I am gone (because he will starve you know) and I have to pack and hey btw you just got the location of the fundraiser moved, holy cow now to replan the infrastructure of where we are now going to be (which is where I wanted to be in the first place) etc etc etc.
Zoe is starving for "mommy" time and glad to be home too. Things are just simply crazy, but good, right now.
Friday, April 3, 2015
I Pray
I pray for an Easter miracle. I really do. I have been so extremely moody lately it is almost an out of body experience. I try to not snip at Rich but sometimes it happens before I even realize. I am so tired of being tired. Tired of hurting physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am exhausted. I have a puppy that needs me and doesn't have a problem letting me know she does. Nor does she have a problem letting me know she is upset with me. I am trying to stay focused but it just isn't working some days. I feel like I have no skeleton inside holding me up anymore.
I pray to God every day, several times a day. I ask for a miracle. Please God just bring back Jared, PLEASE! I have watched the segments on the Today Show this week and science is backing up what I already know. So if we are there where we can cross over and back than please God, let me visit Jared for a moment or just bring him back!
I have so much anxiety about this week I can't focus. I should be happy and focused on an anniversary of my marriage but I haven't even gotten him so much as a card. Why? I know I will get through this week one day at a time just as I have all the other holidays that have come and gone. This is hard. No Easter basket to put together with things Jared would like. No birthday cake to make. No presents to wrap nor excitement of getting him something he has wanted all year.
I have cried a bucket of tears this week. Usually not at convenient times. Like driving down the road and for seemingly no reason they just start flowing. Or walking down the grocery store isle and like a pregnant woman who's water just broke there they come. That isn't to mention watching commercials in Spanish that I don't even understand and start crying. sigh. Why?
I feel so close and yet so very far away from Jared. I am blessed to have such a spiritual connection with him that continues. But, I am human, therefore I am selfish, and I want more. I know God has work for me to do, as well does Jared. But for a moment in my sleep can He not just take me to visit His glorious home then bring me back to finish the work he needs?
I pray whatever He wants I do. I pray I hear him clearly with instructions. I pray that when it is my time to go, Jared is the first one that greets me beside the Lord. I also pray that God will get email or Facebook even a phone for us to talk with our loved ones. That would be an awesome Facebook page of God's selfies with our loved ones don't you think? God at the soccer games? God watching us? Oh Lord....don't post those pics please.
I pray that people let go of the hate they are holding. I can barely scroll through Facebook because of the terrible political bashing going on both directions and the bashing going on over a law that exists in more than half the country but they are ready to crucify the Indiana Governor. HATE please let it go. Tolerance of differences. I think of all of us like Legos. We are all different shapes, colors, and sizes. Some of us fit together better than others. But when we are all used correctly in harmony, we create a pretty darn cool place. Take a look at this amazing Lego sculpture.
I pray you all have an amazing Easter.
I pray to God every day, several times a day. I ask for a miracle. Please God just bring back Jared, PLEASE! I have watched the segments on the Today Show this week and science is backing up what I already know. So if we are there where we can cross over and back than please God, let me visit Jared for a moment or just bring him back!
I have so much anxiety about this week I can't focus. I should be happy and focused on an anniversary of my marriage but I haven't even gotten him so much as a card. Why? I know I will get through this week one day at a time just as I have all the other holidays that have come and gone. This is hard. No Easter basket to put together with things Jared would like. No birthday cake to make. No presents to wrap nor excitement of getting him something he has wanted all year.
I have cried a bucket of tears this week. Usually not at convenient times. Like driving down the road and for seemingly no reason they just start flowing. Or walking down the grocery store isle and like a pregnant woman who's water just broke there they come. That isn't to mention watching commercials in Spanish that I don't even understand and start crying. sigh. Why?
I feel so close and yet so very far away from Jared. I am blessed to have such a spiritual connection with him that continues. But, I am human, therefore I am selfish, and I want more. I know God has work for me to do, as well does Jared. But for a moment in my sleep can He not just take me to visit His glorious home then bring me back to finish the work he needs?
I pray whatever He wants I do. I pray I hear him clearly with instructions. I pray that when it is my time to go, Jared is the first one that greets me beside the Lord. I also pray that God will get email or Facebook even a phone for us to talk with our loved ones. That would be an awesome Facebook page of God's selfies with our loved ones don't you think? God at the soccer games? God watching us? Oh Lord....don't post those pics please.
I pray that people let go of the hate they are holding. I can barely scroll through Facebook because of the terrible political bashing going on both directions and the bashing going on over a law that exists in more than half the country but they are ready to crucify the Indiana Governor. HATE please let it go. Tolerance of differences. I think of all of us like Legos. We are all different shapes, colors, and sizes. Some of us fit together better than others. But when we are all used correctly in harmony, we create a pretty darn cool place. Take a look at this amazing Lego sculpture.
I pray you all have an amazing Easter.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Class of 2015
If I were to give a speech to the Class of 2015:
Hello class. I want to thank you for listening to me. We have been through a lot together, and I hope to never lose contact with you. I would say that the Class of 2015 has had more than anyone's fair share of difficult times. I decided to look back at all that has changed in the world and things that have impacted us all since you were born. Here is some of what I have found. We all learned the name Monica Lewinsky, watched President Clinton get impeached and then acquitted. We have watched US Embassy bombings in Tanzania, Kenya, and Bengazi. We have watched Gay and Lesbian movements including extreme brutality and endearing affections. We have watched the Dow Jones yo-yo. We watched what became the first, unfortunately many more to follow, school shootings at Columbine which has brought gun control and bullying into the debate it is today. We have watched Mother Nature let us know who is in charge with her tornadoes in Oklahoma that killed 50 people to her floods in Tennessee that washed away homes. We even survived the dreaded Y2K bug that was going to wipe us all out. We have watched as foreign and domestic terrorists have attacked us by land, sea, and air. We all learned the term "hanging chad" thanks to the 2000 election and the state of Florida. We watched indestructible building fall on 9/11 as each of us hugged you a little tighter that night. We learned Anthrax was not just a heavy metal band name. We watched as our family and friends went off to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. We watched as we lost the Space Shuttle Columbia and all the wonderful astronauts on board. We watched as building and fire codes strengthened across the country after a series of fun nights in a night clubs turned deadly. We watched as Saddam Hussein was captured as well as Osama Bin Laden. We watched the launch of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many other social networks. We watched some of the deadliest hurricanes hit the US including Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Rita, Wilma, Ike, Irene, Sandy and Katrina. We watched Massachusetts become the first state to legalize same sex marriage. We watched in horror as Virginia Tech was hit by tragedy. We watched the I35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis. We watched the beginning of the recession. We watched as tornadoes killed over 60 people in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama, including many college students. We watched gasoline prices rise to unbelievable highs, but to you they were just numbers on a sign and pump and normal. We watched the first African-American president elected. We watched the creation of the Tea Party. We experienced the death of a pop icon, Michael Jackson and many of you were born when we lost a Princess. We watched the last Space Shuttle touch down ending space exploration. Sandyhook now brings instant sadness to us with just one word. We did see some technology invented together. They include Ipods, Gamecubes, Xbox, Nintendo DS, PSP, Blu-Ray, Wii, Ipod Touch, Ipad, and Iphones.
So I thought about what positive has happened to us during this time? Well here is what I feel. You have a different outlook on life. You have seen the evil that can take place, in what seems to be an overwhelming amount. But you WILL make a difference on our world. I believe you will make our world better. You have compassion like no other generation, in my opinion. You support your peers and adults alike. While you can hurt one another with words, you also have shown you can build each other back up with actions. You can make this world a better place if you so choose to do so. But you will make a difference - which way will you make it?
You have lost parents, siblings, and classmates. You are stronger today than yesterday. You have an understanding that the "taboo" topics must be talked about if we are going to fix them. You can change this world. You can find cures for what is we are told will never be cured. You can invent technology to help those who feel helpless. You have helped to invent fun words like "selfie" and my hope is you help me delete the words like "suicide". While we can't change the ways or minds of us old people, your minds are open to seeing the wonderful possibilities of what can, and should be.
Class of 2015 I beg you, please make this world a Kinder World, a More Understanding World, and a More Loving World.
Hello class. I want to thank you for listening to me. We have been through a lot together, and I hope to never lose contact with you. I would say that the Class of 2015 has had more than anyone's fair share of difficult times. I decided to look back at all that has changed in the world and things that have impacted us all since you were born. Here is some of what I have found. We all learned the name Monica Lewinsky, watched President Clinton get impeached and then acquitted. We have watched US Embassy bombings in Tanzania, Kenya, and Bengazi. We have watched Gay and Lesbian movements including extreme brutality and endearing affections. We have watched the Dow Jones yo-yo. We watched what became the first, unfortunately many more to follow, school shootings at Columbine which has brought gun control and bullying into the debate it is today. We have watched Mother Nature let us know who is in charge with her tornadoes in Oklahoma that killed 50 people to her floods in Tennessee that washed away homes. We even survived the dreaded Y2K bug that was going to wipe us all out. We have watched as foreign and domestic terrorists have attacked us by land, sea, and air. We all learned the term "hanging chad" thanks to the 2000 election and the state of Florida. We watched indestructible building fall on 9/11 as each of us hugged you a little tighter that night. We learned Anthrax was not just a heavy metal band name. We watched as our family and friends went off to fight in Operation Enduring Freedom and Iraqi Freedom. We watched as we lost the Space Shuttle Columbia and all the wonderful astronauts on board. We watched as building and fire codes strengthened across the country after a series of fun nights in a night clubs turned deadly. We watched as Saddam Hussein was captured as well as Osama Bin Laden. We watched the launch of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and many other social networks. We watched some of the deadliest hurricanes hit the US including Charley, Frances, Ivan, Jeanne, Rita, Wilma, Ike, Irene, Sandy and Katrina. We watched Massachusetts become the first state to legalize same sex marriage. We watched in horror as Virginia Tech was hit by tragedy. We watched the I35 bridge collapse in Minneapolis. We watched the beginning of the recession. We watched as tornadoes killed over 60 people in Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, and Alabama, including many college students. We watched gasoline prices rise to unbelievable highs, but to you they were just numbers on a sign and pump and normal. We watched the first African-American president elected. We watched the creation of the Tea Party. We experienced the death of a pop icon, Michael Jackson and many of you were born when we lost a Princess. We watched the last Space Shuttle touch down ending space exploration. Sandyhook now brings instant sadness to us with just one word. We did see some technology invented together. They include Ipods, Gamecubes, Xbox, Nintendo DS, PSP, Blu-Ray, Wii, Ipod Touch, Ipad, and Iphones.
So I thought about what positive has happened to us during this time? Well here is what I feel. You have a different outlook on life. You have seen the evil that can take place, in what seems to be an overwhelming amount. But you WILL make a difference on our world. I believe you will make our world better. You have compassion like no other generation, in my opinion. You support your peers and adults alike. While you can hurt one another with words, you also have shown you can build each other back up with actions. You can make this world a better place if you so choose to do so. But you will make a difference - which way will you make it?
You have lost parents, siblings, and classmates. You are stronger today than yesterday. You have an understanding that the "taboo" topics must be talked about if we are going to fix them. You can change this world. You can find cures for what is we are told will never be cured. You can invent technology to help those who feel helpless. You have helped to invent fun words like "selfie" and my hope is you help me delete the words like "suicide". While we can't change the ways or minds of us old people, your minds are open to seeing the wonderful possibilities of what can, and should be.
Class of 2015 I beg you, please make this world a Kinder World, a More Understanding World, and a More Loving World.
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
My Sister
Many people don't even know I have a sister. But she is also, quite possibly, my best friend, mentor, and at times my mother.
I will give you a little map of my family. My mother married her high school sweetheart and had 3 children in order, my brother, my sister, and my brother. That marriage broke up for reasons that don't concern me and my mother then became pregnant with me, then married my father. Yes in that order. Taboo at the time! Probably where I get my rebel streak....lol. Anyway, my father had been married more than he should have been. His first marriage produced 3 boys, his second produced 1 son, and then you guessed it....the long awaited girl....me. Well these are the kids we know about. May be more but for all intense purposes with the government we are his children. But then there are actually others that I consider to be close in a way that is difficult to explain. My mother's first husband's wife had two boys and the youngest and I were close in age and I think felt a lot of the same confusing feelings about our place in the family. So if you are not completely confused just wait. Might help if you get a pen and paper and start drawing a tree or bush or......tumbleweed.
Anyway, let me go in reverse order, the oldest boy of my mom's ex-husband's wife's boys seemed to me to be the pride and joy of the family. Again, this is just my young child view. But the youngest that was close to my age, I always sensed was a little "left out" of things. Not sure why, but just appeared that way to me. He was sweet and kind and gentle natured. To this day we still communicate and thanks to Facebook it makes it easier to do so. He is doing well and has a beautiful family.
My siblings that share the same father as I on the other hand well, we are no Walton Family. In fact it was a 10 year gap from when my father passed to when I saw any of them again. When I graduated high school I reached out to my father's brother, my uncle and asked him to supply their addresses so I could invite them to my graduation. After all it was all my mother's fault I hadn't seen them in so long, RIGHT????? Well the youngest and just a couple of years older than I was, and also an only child from the marriage, came to my graduation and surprised me. We share a lot of anger towards our father's family but the difference is I have learned to let much of it go because it does me no good. I feel he still struggles to this day. We kept in touch in the year's following my high school graduation but in a very sparingly communicated way. You see he was married at the time we were reunited and I then got married, he then went through a divorce, and I then went through a divorce....basically life happened. But it was ok.
My other 3 brothers were full siblings. They shared their own bond. Two went military and were much older than I am and one went to college. In fact the youngest of those three made a career of the military.......for years! We met up at my graduation and periodically throughout the years but no significant relationship as siblings ever manifested itself.
My uncle passed a few years ago and I was unable to make the service. The youngest brother did attend and he called me so upset about how things happened at the service and beyond that he didn't approve of. I shared my feelings on the whole event. I told him, " I have learned to live without them as siblings this long, I don't need them now". I also told him while we are are family by blood, that is about the extent of it when it comes to them and he could always talk to me. I wasn't mean, I was just matter of fact. He was struggling because of a now severed relationship with his mother. This left him feeling completely alone. He was the only one from Dad's children that attended Jared's funeral and the only one who had never met Jared. Speaks volumes in my book. We exchanged few words but lots of unspoken words. I told him we would talk soon. I know he wants nothing more than to make a family out of a puzzle that is missing more than half the pieces.
My mother's children and I have a much closer relationship. Her youngest son and I are probably closer, because we spent the most time growing up together. Although, he is ten years older than I am, we still have a pretty special bond. He was always the one that could pick on me, but don't think you can or he will set you straight. He and also share a bond that neither of us wish we had. We both have experienced loss of child. His youngest child was lost in 1994 after rolling off a bed onto the floor just before his first birthday. What is hard to explain then, and now, is why did we all lose him. When he reached out to me after the loss of Jared there was a lot, a LOT of quiet time on the phone but volumes said in silence.
My oldest brother lived with my grandparents after my parents got together and also went into the military. I have been angry with him for many year. Why? Because in my eyes as my mother was struggling with making ends meet he had abandoned us. Why would you let your mother and siblings struggle so much and why would you not help? Well, I never have talked to him about any of these feelings but a few short years ago, I let all those feelings I felt go. I realized they were not my feelings to have. I don't know why he did, or really if he did, or did not do anything to help. What I know is we all made it through just fine and we are strong individuals for it.
Lastly, my sister. She has been a mother to me at times. She has been a mentor to me without even knowing it. She has been my best friend at times. She has been a role model and an inspiration without trying. She and my youngest brother did not graduate high school because of, what I blame on my father. But my brother got his GED the week before his youngest daughter graduated high school fulfilling a promise he made to himself. My sister also got her GED and went on to be successful by hard work and determination. She was pregnant at 16 because of circumstances she should have never faced. She married and has two beautiful sons and also two step-children now. She too faced a divorce in her life. She raised her boys for many years on her own.
My sister reaches out to me, seemingly when I need it the most, and sends me a text with a simple "I love you" or like last week, sends me books to read. Now my family knows I disliked reading all my life. reading=punishment for me. But somehow, after Jared passed I am finding great comfort in reading. I am not sure why but maybe because I feel I am being guided into what to read. Like coded messages.
She sent me two books, The Ultimate Gift and The Ultimate Life. Ironically at times I felt like I was reading my own story. They talk about a disjointed family who is self absorbed and the grandfather tried to give them the best life only to realize at the end they didn't appreciate, nor learn life's most important lessons along the way. However, he had one grandson that he saw hope in for reasons only a grandfather could know. You follow this young man through his journey to achieve the ultimate Gift after a year of following his grandfather's directions in order to get his chunk of a very large pie. See grandpa was an oil billionaire, a cattle billionaire, and a portfolio that seemed to never end. So each of his living children got their piece of the estate including ranches, oil industries, etc. Kind of reminded me of my father's passing. Things were quickly ripped apart that by father's youngest son and I were left with nothing. To me, it made life easier in retrospect. I had nothing for them to come after. But then after the family realized what he was left in the will, after he spent a year following the orders his grandfather left and all the tests of life given to him, well then guess what? Yep! His own flesh and blood, including his mother, sued him for his chunk. This took me to a place that made me angry. This took me to court in Tennessee after Dan died and the Petersburg Martin's sued me for my son. Over and over and over again, one law suite after another in pursuit of having total control over everything. In the book, if they family ever contested the will, they would give up everything they were left. Something none of them took the time to realize until it was pointed out in court. Sure they were to win and get the billions left to the grandson, they forged ahead. Just as in my case. Sure they were going to win Jared over and have him live with them, they continued relentlessly to achieve total control. In the book, after a year of never ending court, the young grandson showed the Ultimate Gift of Love by asking the court to allow the family members to retain what his grandfather had given them. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. In fact, while the book was a win, win, mine was a lose, lose.
It also spoke of dreams, and love, and family, and gratitude among other things. This stoked the fire in me to continue forward in Jared's Keepers Foundation and let no one, nor any thing, stand in my way of fulfilling Jared's dream of making people around him happy. How you ask, am I doing that? Well, simple, if I can help save one person from suicide, then I have made hundreds that would be touched by it, happy.
Now back to my sister. You see she is pretty darn amazing. She shared these books with me, in hopes I am sure, that I would share with others to spread such a message. I will do that for sure. I know my sister is there for me whenever I need her. While we have always been miles apart, we are close. I often see a post on Facebook "behind every sweet lady is the crazy sister". I think we take turns at that part. Mess with my sister and you will get me.
I have a wonderful family. I have a few goofballs too. I have some I prefer to not be around. I have some I wish I had more time with. I have short one, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones, smart ones, some not so much, and at the end of the day, I have completely devoted ones. Some of these are by blood. Some are by legal documents of marriage or adoption. Some are simply by emotion and choice.
So to close, my sister is the one that gave me the gift today, to think about all my families. And just as I have had to do for Rich, lol, here is a little family tree.
I will give you a little map of my family. My mother married her high school sweetheart and had 3 children in order, my brother, my sister, and my brother. That marriage broke up for reasons that don't concern me and my mother then became pregnant with me, then married my father. Yes in that order. Taboo at the time! Probably where I get my rebel streak....lol. Anyway, my father had been married more than he should have been. His first marriage produced 3 boys, his second produced 1 son, and then you guessed it....the long awaited girl....me. Well these are the kids we know about. May be more but for all intense purposes with the government we are his children. But then there are actually others that I consider to be close in a way that is difficult to explain. My mother's first husband's wife had two boys and the youngest and I were close in age and I think felt a lot of the same confusing feelings about our place in the family. So if you are not completely confused just wait. Might help if you get a pen and paper and start drawing a tree or bush or......tumbleweed.
Anyway, let me go in reverse order, the oldest boy of my mom's ex-husband's wife's boys seemed to me to be the pride and joy of the family. Again, this is just my young child view. But the youngest that was close to my age, I always sensed was a little "left out" of things. Not sure why, but just appeared that way to me. He was sweet and kind and gentle natured. To this day we still communicate and thanks to Facebook it makes it easier to do so. He is doing well and has a beautiful family.
My siblings that share the same father as I on the other hand well, we are no Walton Family. In fact it was a 10 year gap from when my father passed to when I saw any of them again. When I graduated high school I reached out to my father's brother, my uncle and asked him to supply their addresses so I could invite them to my graduation. After all it was all my mother's fault I hadn't seen them in so long, RIGHT????? Well the youngest and just a couple of years older than I was, and also an only child from the marriage, came to my graduation and surprised me. We share a lot of anger towards our father's family but the difference is I have learned to let much of it go because it does me no good. I feel he still struggles to this day. We kept in touch in the year's following my high school graduation but in a very sparingly communicated way. You see he was married at the time we were reunited and I then got married, he then went through a divorce, and I then went through a divorce....basically life happened. But it was ok.
My other 3 brothers were full siblings. They shared their own bond. Two went military and were much older than I am and one went to college. In fact the youngest of those three made a career of the military.......for years! We met up at my graduation and periodically throughout the years but no significant relationship as siblings ever manifested itself.
My uncle passed a few years ago and I was unable to make the service. The youngest brother did attend and he called me so upset about how things happened at the service and beyond that he didn't approve of. I shared my feelings on the whole event. I told him, " I have learned to live without them as siblings this long, I don't need them now". I also told him while we are are family by blood, that is about the extent of it when it comes to them and he could always talk to me. I wasn't mean, I was just matter of fact. He was struggling because of a now severed relationship with his mother. This left him feeling completely alone. He was the only one from Dad's children that attended Jared's funeral and the only one who had never met Jared. Speaks volumes in my book. We exchanged few words but lots of unspoken words. I told him we would talk soon. I know he wants nothing more than to make a family out of a puzzle that is missing more than half the pieces.
My mother's children and I have a much closer relationship. Her youngest son and I are probably closer, because we spent the most time growing up together. Although, he is ten years older than I am, we still have a pretty special bond. He was always the one that could pick on me, but don't think you can or he will set you straight. He and also share a bond that neither of us wish we had. We both have experienced loss of child. His youngest child was lost in 1994 after rolling off a bed onto the floor just before his first birthday. What is hard to explain then, and now, is why did we all lose him. When he reached out to me after the loss of Jared there was a lot, a LOT of quiet time on the phone but volumes said in silence.
My oldest brother lived with my grandparents after my parents got together and also went into the military. I have been angry with him for many year. Why? Because in my eyes as my mother was struggling with making ends meet he had abandoned us. Why would you let your mother and siblings struggle so much and why would you not help? Well, I never have talked to him about any of these feelings but a few short years ago, I let all those feelings I felt go. I realized they were not my feelings to have. I don't know why he did, or really if he did, or did not do anything to help. What I know is we all made it through just fine and we are strong individuals for it.
Lastly, my sister. She has been a mother to me at times. She has been a mentor to me without even knowing it. She has been my best friend at times. She has been a role model and an inspiration without trying. She and my youngest brother did not graduate high school because of, what I blame on my father. But my brother got his GED the week before his youngest daughter graduated high school fulfilling a promise he made to himself. My sister also got her GED and went on to be successful by hard work and determination. She was pregnant at 16 because of circumstances she should have never faced. She married and has two beautiful sons and also two step-children now. She too faced a divorce in her life. She raised her boys for many years on her own.
My sister reaches out to me, seemingly when I need it the most, and sends me a text with a simple "I love you" or like last week, sends me books to read. Now my family knows I disliked reading all my life. reading=punishment for me. But somehow, after Jared passed I am finding great comfort in reading. I am not sure why but maybe because I feel I am being guided into what to read. Like coded messages.
She sent me two books, The Ultimate Gift and The Ultimate Life. Ironically at times I felt like I was reading my own story. They talk about a disjointed family who is self absorbed and the grandfather tried to give them the best life only to realize at the end they didn't appreciate, nor learn life's most important lessons along the way. However, he had one grandson that he saw hope in for reasons only a grandfather could know. You follow this young man through his journey to achieve the ultimate Gift after a year of following his grandfather's directions in order to get his chunk of a very large pie. See grandpa was an oil billionaire, a cattle billionaire, and a portfolio that seemed to never end. So each of his living children got their piece of the estate including ranches, oil industries, etc. Kind of reminded me of my father's passing. Things were quickly ripped apart that by father's youngest son and I were left with nothing. To me, it made life easier in retrospect. I had nothing for them to come after. But then after the family realized what he was left in the will, after he spent a year following the orders his grandfather left and all the tests of life given to him, well then guess what? Yep! His own flesh and blood, including his mother, sued him for his chunk. This took me to a place that made me angry. This took me to court in Tennessee after Dan died and the Petersburg Martin's sued me for my son. Over and over and over again, one law suite after another in pursuit of having total control over everything. In the book, if they family ever contested the will, they would give up everything they were left. Something none of them took the time to realize until it was pointed out in court. Sure they were to win and get the billions left to the grandson, they forged ahead. Just as in my case. Sure they were going to win Jared over and have him live with them, they continued relentlessly to achieve total control. In the book, after a year of never ending court, the young grandson showed the Ultimate Gift of Love by asking the court to allow the family members to retain what his grandfather had given them. Unfortunately, I wasn't so lucky. In fact, while the book was a win, win, mine was a lose, lose.
It also spoke of dreams, and love, and family, and gratitude among other things. This stoked the fire in me to continue forward in Jared's Keepers Foundation and let no one, nor any thing, stand in my way of fulfilling Jared's dream of making people around him happy. How you ask, am I doing that? Well, simple, if I can help save one person from suicide, then I have made hundreds that would be touched by it, happy.
Now back to my sister. You see she is pretty darn amazing. She shared these books with me, in hopes I am sure, that I would share with others to spread such a message. I will do that for sure. I know my sister is there for me whenever I need her. While we have always been miles apart, we are close. I often see a post on Facebook "behind every sweet lady is the crazy sister". I think we take turns at that part. Mess with my sister and you will get me.
I have a wonderful family. I have a few goofballs too. I have some I prefer to not be around. I have some I wish I had more time with. I have short one, fat ones, tall ones, skinny ones, smart ones, some not so much, and at the end of the day, I have completely devoted ones. Some of these are by blood. Some are by legal documents of marriage or adoption. Some are simply by emotion and choice.
So to close, my sister is the one that gave me the gift today, to think about all my families. And just as I have had to do for Rich, lol, here is a little family tree.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Catching Up
It has been a while since my last post. Lots of things have been going on. First I am no longer working after not getting paid for six weeks. That is another post. ....lol but it is a good thing.
I am heading stateside for almost a month in May and looking forward to it. I will be catching up on doctor and dentist appointment, not looking forward to that part, but also talking to some groups about suicide awareness and prevention and just how to talk about suicide in general. I am happy that so many people are beginning to open up on the topic.
The most exciting thing is the giant fundraiser being planned. I am so excited to have so much coming together in such a short amount of time. Bands, auction items, big auction items, volunteers, food, and much more.
It is all so heart warming and I can't find the words to thank everyone. Maybe the words don't exist?
I have been able to refocus on me a little too. I am exhausted easily and feel the need to just rest. Probably the best thing I could do for myself. I have been very public in this journey, not for sympathy, for healing and to let people know I am not ashamed and I don't feel anyone should be.
I continually get called "strong ", but I am very weak. I rely on God to carry me most days.
My brain never quits thinking and that is beginning to drive me nuts and also exhausts me. It is now 2:30am and I am releasing some of that in hopes of returning to sleep for a few hours.
Zoe is growing older and very sassy. She is truly a Diva. That girl is a social butterfly but also a momma's girl all the way.
In a couple of weeks Rich and I will head out for a vacation. Actually more of running away for a difficult week. It will be our first Easter without Jared, our first anniversary without Jared, and his first birthday in heaven. Bam all in five days! Easter has always been a special time for Jared and I, not really sure why but it might have something to do with he was predicted to be born in Easter. Like everything in Jared's life he was late for birth too. ..lol. Our anniversary and HIS birthday are just two days apart. In fact we took a cruise to get married and also celebrated his birthday. What a great time that was. I expect a roller coaster ride that week but I have been praying that I have the strength to celebrate it all.
I really feel like I am on this crazy slick slide or curvy road and I have to just let go of the wheel and hold on with lots of prayer. Next week is St Patrick's Day here in island and it is a big celebration. Jared had a blast last year. Then Easter, our anniversary, Jared's birthday, mother's day, graduations of his friends, Rich's birthday, Dan's birthday, Jared's angelversary, father's day.
If you don't believe in God all you have to do is just watch my life and see Him. I promise you I could not survive it without Him and knowing Jared is right here with me through all of this.
I will try to be more faithful in keeping the blog current. Much love to all.
I am heading stateside for almost a month in May and looking forward to it. I will be catching up on doctor and dentist appointment, not looking forward to that part, but also talking to some groups about suicide awareness and prevention and just how to talk about suicide in general. I am happy that so many people are beginning to open up on the topic.
The most exciting thing is the giant fundraiser being planned. I am so excited to have so much coming together in such a short amount of time. Bands, auction items, big auction items, volunteers, food, and much more.
It is all so heart warming and I can't find the words to thank everyone. Maybe the words don't exist?
I have been able to refocus on me a little too. I am exhausted easily and feel the need to just rest. Probably the best thing I could do for myself. I have been very public in this journey, not for sympathy, for healing and to let people know I am not ashamed and I don't feel anyone should be.
I continually get called "strong ", but I am very weak. I rely on God to carry me most days.
My brain never quits thinking and that is beginning to drive me nuts and also exhausts me. It is now 2:30am and I am releasing some of that in hopes of returning to sleep for a few hours.
Zoe is growing older and very sassy. She is truly a Diva. That girl is a social butterfly but also a momma's girl all the way.
In a couple of weeks Rich and I will head out for a vacation. Actually more of running away for a difficult week. It will be our first Easter without Jared, our first anniversary without Jared, and his first birthday in heaven. Bam all in five days! Easter has always been a special time for Jared and I, not really sure why but it might have something to do with he was predicted to be born in Easter. Like everything in Jared's life he was late for birth too. ..lol. Our anniversary and HIS birthday are just two days apart. In fact we took a cruise to get married and also celebrated his birthday. What a great time that was. I expect a roller coaster ride that week but I have been praying that I have the strength to celebrate it all.
I really feel like I am on this crazy slick slide or curvy road and I have to just let go of the wheel and hold on with lots of prayer. Next week is St Patrick's Day here in island and it is a big celebration. Jared had a blast last year. Then Easter, our anniversary, Jared's birthday, mother's day, graduations of his friends, Rich's birthday, Dan's birthday, Jared's angelversary, father's day.
If you don't believe in God all you have to do is just watch my life and see Him. I promise you I could not survive it without Him and knowing Jared is right here with me through all of this.
I will try to be more faithful in keeping the blog current. Much love to all.
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