I am writing this from high above the ocean on the way to Miami. It is an unusually clear afternoon and the sun is beginning to set. The colors are the most amazing colors and so vibrant. It is absolutely breath taking. As we have flown over several islands and sandbars I am amazed at God's beauty he has given us to enjoy. Likewise, the people who have come across my path have blessed me. A man in line asked me what I do and I shared with him what I do and why I am headed back to the states. He first wasn't sure how to reapond. But he quickly thanked me and said more people need to join the fight. On to the waiting area where I met a nice couple. They too asked as small talk that quickly turned into a connection. When the young woman found out what I did, she began to cry. I said, you have lost someone, and she shook her haed. As I got tissues from my purse to share, she said too many. I looked at her and she repeated I have lost too many. She took our flyer and said she would share with her group in Atlanta. Let me time hop.....
This morning when I awoke, I followed my normal routine to the bathroom where a beautiful bird was looking in the window at me. Remember Jared connects through birds. I walked by 3 times before getting my phone to take a picture. I took three picture and a video. He let me go right up to that window and never showed fear. A few tears of happiness fell and then I said I must go back and rest as I will have a long day of travel. I posted those pictures on Facebook, set my phone down to charge to full, and stared out the window, when another bird landed on our balcony rail. He looked at me and then ran across the rail. All the time looking in the windows. I found it an amazing sign on the day I was to fly to the states to begin my speaking tour on prevention.
Zoe knew something was going on and moped around and spent much of her time on my lap. Then the phone call amd email came. Flight delayed. GREAT! YET, I was still required to check in at the original time.
Now back to my story....
Before our delayed plane arrived the first man came back to me to share a website with about spiritual connections. How awesome!
Not sure what lies ahead on this trip but I know I have an army of Angels working beside me. I feel safe and protected.
More to come......we are on an uneventful flightto Nashville. I guess that is good. I am on a regional jet so it is 2 seats on either side of the isle. I am sitting with a nice woman who is stationed at Ft Campbell, KY. Thankfully it is quiet and many readers and sleepers on this leg....lol. The only downfall to these planes are no TV and music so I read amd that makes me sleepy. Stop that you have to drive on the right not left, you must be wide awake!. I do love these jets because the leg room is awesome. The seats are comfortable but pressure changes are extremely noticible for me.
The Captain says we are decending and almost reached 10,000 feet right now. Ear pop, ear pop, ugghhh. Maybe we will be early.....I know wishful thinking.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Traveling
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
Accepting
I was the youngest child for both my parents, and the only child between them. I had the benefits of growing up in a large family and being the only child at the same time. I was closer to one brother than all other siblings. He was 10 years older than I am and wasn't only a brother but also a protector. My father died when I was just eight from complications from alcoholism during the he and my mother were going through a divorce.
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died. I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there. He was perfect, far from it. In fact I would even say part evil. However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving. The alcoholic him was pure evil. I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done. It was my first real experience in a funeral home. I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance. What do you do at a funeral home? How do you act at a funeral home? Why does everyone come to a funeral home? I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral. I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket. That pillow was given to me as a keep sake. Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest. I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on. I am eight! I was in second grade. None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were. I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid. Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years. Honestly? It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather. He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him. We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed. He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family. But truth is, he deserved all we did and more. I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine. I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing. He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more". The funeral in the days following was emotional. We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day. A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy. That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old. He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him. He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor. I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different. That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be. I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair. The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why? Why do that to my family? Why do that to his parents and siblings? Why? Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family. In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother. That too brings pain to many of us in the family. In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together. I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them. I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event. To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob. I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss. I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing. I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak. I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified. I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them. I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss. If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer. I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening. I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must. I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain. Is that really too much to ask for?
I remember the exact moment and location and vividly remember all the items around me when I was told my father had died. I was his only girl so there was extra special bonding there. He was perfect, far from it. In fact I would even say part evil. However, the true him was kind, generous, and loving. The alcoholic him was pure evil. I remember going to the funeral home and picking out the casket, or listening as it was all being done. It was my first real experience in a funeral home. I look back on it and wish someone would have realized that as an eight year old child, I needed guidance. What do you do at a funeral home? How do you act at a funeral home? Why does everyone come to a funeral home? I am a child and it will be ok.....
I remember the visitation and the funeral. I remember the heart shaped pillow with the word Daddy in gold that held flowers that they had me plane in his casket. That pillow was given to me as a keep sake. Still not sure why I have it but it is tucked away in my cedar chest. I also remember the grave side service and wondering why all this was going on. I am eight! I was in second grade. None of this made any sense.
I never dealt with those emotions because it was never explained to me what they were. I worried about my mother a lot growing up and never really visited friends houses or "ran around" with them. In my teen years I went wild for a short period of time which was far out of character for me to do. I was the good kid. Well that got me into counseling at the school and lots of things came out that had been bottled up for years. Honestly? It was the best thing that could have happened to me.
A few years later I would lose my grandfather. He had been ill for years after suffering a stroke and depended completely on his family to provide care for him. We all took shifts helping him with everything from using the commode to bathing and getting dressed. He would cry each time I helped because he felt he was a burden to his family. But truth is, he deserved all we did and more. I had visited him just hours before he passed and he seemed fine. I lived just an hour away and by the time I had reached home the phone was ringing. He had already been transported by ambulance to the hospital, and had passed after my grandmother asked him if he was in pain and he said, "not any more". The funeral in the days following was emotional. We were losing my grandfather and my brother and sister-in-law were expecting a baby and would find out the gender that day. A boy was to be born.
A little more than a year later, I am engaged to be married and prior to that wedding our family was struck by tragedy. That baby boy would be taken from us days before he turned a year old. He was a feisty little guy and brought joy to everyone around him. He took a tumble off the bed and landed on a hard wood floor. I don't know a baby that hasn't had a tumble that scared the pudding out of the parents but this was different. That sweet baby laid in the hospital trying with all his might to make it, but that wasn't meant to be. I still struggle with his death because it just isn't fair. The only answer I can come up with is God needed him, but why? Why do that to my family? Why do that to his parents and siblings? Why? Ultimately, this loss put a great strain on the family. In fact throughout the years it has built the Great Wall of Grief between my sister-in-law and my mother. That too brings pain to many of us in the family. In fact outside of Jared's funeral last summer, I can't remember the last time they were in the same building together. I know how it pains me, I can't imagine how it pains my brother.
What pained me then, and still does for different reasons now, is that I didn't know how to support them. I didn't know the loss they were feeling.
We honored my nephew on our wedding ceremony and made him a part of the event. To this day I keep his picture on my dresser.
Since that time his siblings have grown and have children of their own and we talk about their brother Jacob. I think of him often as he must have been there to greet Jared into heaven.
After suffering the loss of Jared I have had a new understanding of loss. I understand that even very young children grieve and they need the grieving process to be explained to them and what they are experiencing. I have learned that even when we look strong, we are incredibly weak. I have learned that we will change emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I have learned that actions can be explained but not necessarily justified. I have learned that I can love two people who can't seem to look at one another and not judge them. I have also learned that we become uncensored with loss. If you ask us our opinion, please be prepared for the answer. I have learned that compassion doesn't mean that I have to let you drag me into a dark place. I have also learned that no matter how much you love someone, you can't stop things from happening. I could not stop by dad from drinking, my grandfather from aging, my nephew from from having injuries that could not be healed, my mother and sister-in-law to get along, nor could I save my son from suicide.
While I do not like to accept any of these things, I must. I must also accept all the other things in life that played into of the paths that brought us all to where we are today.
My wish is for peace, understanding, and a world without pain. Is that really too much to ask for?
Monday, August 24, 2015
It Is Time To Stand Up
This last week has been difficult for me. I have had emotional highs and lows. I have been short tempered and easily agitated. I have watched as children head back to school and off to college. Somehow it is more difficult this year than it was last year. Perhaps because I was still in that fog that helps to protect us following a tragedy. All of these beautiful pictures and wonderful thoughts and hopes I have for these young people quickly prompt thoughts of those experiences I will never have.
I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get. I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had. I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren. All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.
I have had anger that has been intense. Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college. While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again. They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child. Those who have lost a child never again get that. While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent. It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.
I want to be selfish. I want to be irresponsible. I want to pretend life is not how it really is. But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.
This is a difficult place to be. I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down. I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down. I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live. There is no good answer for any of it.
I want desperately to have the life back I once had. But that can never be. I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.
Anger has been hitting me from another angle. It is extreme and volatile. While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me. How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him. How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with. How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again. HOW DARE YOU!
So with this anger comes strong focus and determination. I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.
My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them. He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes. He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.
Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either. Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone. Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me. Why? Because they don't deserve my time. I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.
I have to live with the fact that I will never have a child walk across a stage to get his diploma he worked so hard for all those years to get. I will never have that child go off to college and be a part of a dream he had. I will never have a wedding to be the mother of the groom nor will I ever have grandchildren. All these things I looked forward to and even envisioned.
I have had anger that has been intense. Anger at people who say they are dying inside and physically hurt because their child has left for college. While I won't deny there are grief feeling there for them, they will see their child again. They will talk, text, video chat, visit, and celebrate life with that child. Those who have lost a child never again get that. While their pain inside is temporary, ours is permanent. It also intensifies, or flares up, when we learn of another Angel Parent joining this club that we don't want to be a part of to begin with.
I want to be selfish. I want to be irresponsible. I want to pretend life is not how it really is. But then, I remember, it is exactly the way it is.
This is a difficult place to be. I want so badly to have a close friend that understands and is there when I need them, but I don't want to bring anyone down. I have friends who have the same loss I do and it is a gentle place we go together as to support rather than pull each other down. I have struggled with wanting to live here, live there, where do I want to live. There is no good answer for any of it.
I want desperately to have the life back I once had. But that can never be. I want so desperately for a miracle to happen, but doesn't seem to be either.
Anger has been hitting me from another angle. It is extreme and volatile. While I have fought within myself to not blame or hate, it is brewing within me. How DARE people tell my child the crap they told him. How DARE people behave the way they did, text him, email him the things they did and call me names to him that he then had to deal with. How DARE you tell him you were going to take him away from me so he "don't have to ever see her" again. HOW DARE YOU!
So with this anger comes strong focus and determination. I will stand up to you, evil, and stigma associated with Jared, suicide, and mental health issues.
My son would be here today had it not been for people telling him he should hate me and live with them. He would be here today if it were not for people telling him he would live in his Dad's house, drive his Dad's car, and wear his Dad's clothes. He would be here today if people were not so damn selfish they had to control everything in their life instead of being a part of an amazing young man's dream.
Jared's answer to your selfishness was if I can't love and be with my mom, I won't love and be with you either. Hate is a destructive thing, but I refuse to hate anyone. Even the people responsible for telling Jared not to get treatment, take his medication as a child, and to hate me. Why? Because they don't deserve my time. I will tell Jared's story, all of it, with facts, and evidence.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Healing Takes Forever
Early on in my grief journey, I realized this was not going to be a "get over it quickly" type of thing. I had a strong desire to read everything I could on grief, suicide, and the afterlife. I came to realize quickly that this journey will not end until I take my last breath. People have asked me how I stay strong and this is what I explain to them.
Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery. Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out. If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time. So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free. Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.
Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks. I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them. Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most. I don't like anger and/or hate. In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him. Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow. This also goes hand in hand with guilt. The "if only"s drive me crazy at times. If only he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery. You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control. However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.
As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night. One of those is my Tear Bucket. I have what I refer to as the tear bucket. When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket. I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears. Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.
Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm. It is learning to live completely different. It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently. It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently. It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way. This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery. If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger. For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness. I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.
Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss. My support system has changed and morphed during my journey. I also know as time continues it will continue to change. Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street. Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family. Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.
Also like surgery, some cannot recover. Grief too, can take those who cannot recover. While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet. There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child. Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.
Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.
Grief is like a major surgery such as open heart surgery. Just as in a surgery like that, one must heal in layers from the inside out. If you try to close the opening too soon you often have infection trapped inside and you may not know it for a long period of time. So just like that, my soul needs to heal in layers, insuring that each step I heal infection free. Acknowledging and accepting that it will take time allows your journey of healing to begin.
Also like surgery, sometimes you have setbacks. I have them, I acknowledge them, and I move forward from them. Anger is one of the setbacks that upsets me the most. I don't like anger and/or hate. In my mind, that is exactly what made my son take his life at age 17 in spite of the fact of a promising future ahead of him. Anger and hate toward me from his father's side of the family that he was trying to protect me from, is a hard pill to swallow. This also goes hand in hand with guilt. The "if only"s drive me crazy at times. If only he had talked to me about what he just learned, if only he would have said some thing to me, if only I had gotten up in the night to check on him, if only.......
I liken all this to the infection one may get after a surgery. You do all you can to insure a healthy healing but sometimes things happen that we just cannot control. However, it is important to address them when they happen and combat those infections, so you can move on healing healthy.
As each layer heals, I learn new coping methods to make it through the day, and for me the worst, night. One of those is my Tear Bucket. I have what I refer to as the tear bucket. When I feel the emotions building up inside of me and I know I have to let them go before an event or gathering that I am trying to hold myself together for I empty my tear bucket. I will simply tell my husband I need to empty my tear bucket and will head off to the bedroom where I will think of my sweet Jared and empty that bucket of tears. Sometimes, even when not full, it will spill, but it is becoming manageable.
Learning to live without someone in your life, that has been such a part of your life for so long, is like learning how to do everything you once did minus one arm. It is learning to live completely different. It is learning how to do the things you once did together, differently. It is learning how to enjoy things you once enjoyed together, differently. It is learning how to fill a void in a healthy way. This is just like allowing our body to grow new tissue to replace the space left by infected tissue that was removed during surgery. If we don't allow this to happen then that void can be a breading area within us for hate and anger. For me, I refuse to allow the emptiness left by the love I shared with my son to be filled with ugliness. I will only allow something equally as beautiful to take that space.
Also like a major surgery, it is important to surround yourself with the best medical staff available for a successful surgery, it is equally important to surround yourself with the best support system available for proper healing from your loss. My support system has changed and morphed during my journey. I also know as time continues it will continue to change. Some people I was close with before are simply casual friends and some are nothing more than a friendly hello as I meet them on the street. Yet others that were unknown or distant acquaintances, have become extremely supportive and helpful in my healing process. This also applies to family. Some members have had to be distanced, some completely separated, and others that was casual in our communications, have become the foundation to healthy recovery.
Also like surgery, some cannot recover. Grief too, can take those who cannot recover. While I make no secret that I have begged for my son to take me too, He tells me it is not my turn yet. There is a unique cry by mother's who have lost a child. Once you hear it, you recognize it, and pray you never hear it again.
Just as any major surgery will leave a scar, so does grief. It is not something to cover up and hide, but rather acknowledge the existence of it, wear it as a badge of honor to the loved one you lost, and feel NO shame from it. We only grieve for those we love, and love lasts a life time.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Finding Peace In A Spiritual Connection
As I travel this road of healing, I have come across many people who travel this same route. Some appear to have an easier time navigating it than others. We all wish there were a Rand McNally that could guide us, but it just isn't there. Some have encountered road closures, potholes, detours, and at times U-turns. We all have different vehicles that transport us through grief. While some appear to be on a locomotive running wide open, I feel to be on a snail.
I have learned through my connections I have made with other Angel parents that some cling to their religion, while others to hope, and yet others, well they are struggling every moment. Grief makes us question our beliefs. For me grief made me remember and it confirmed my beliefs. It also opened a door to another universe. For me it opened the door to communications with my son through signs and spiritual messages.
From a very young age Jared and I loved birds. When we would leave early in the morning to head to daycare and work, he asked one day, what are the birds saying? Thinking on my toes I responded, Good Morning Jared. So from that moment on for several years, he would greet chirping birds with, Good Morning birds. The two weeks following his death a bird sat outside my window day and night and chirped. Of course, in those first couple of days it didn't register with me. However, as I laid in bed awake most of the night, I realized this bird is chirping, at night, continuously. I stepped out the bedroom door onto the balcony about 2am one morning and there he sat in the tree. He wasn't afraid of me and didn't even try to fly away. He just chirped and chirped. I remember looking at him so intently and this is Jared talking to me like he always did when he would come home from school. He is telling me all about heaven and what he is seeing and who he has met and what it is like. If I could only speak bird!
As days passed other signs began to happen. Birds and egrets would land in the yard near me. As I went swimming, fish gathered around me. I felt like I was in the movie Evan Almighty, the way animals were following me. Even my husband began to look at me in a puzzled look trying to believe what he was seeing with his own eyes. At one point while swimming, he said it was just a coincidence, had to be, right? So we moved, and the fish followed us. From that day on, I began really paying attention. My little social butterfly on earth was in heaven being his social butterfly self. I felt as though it was one of those elementary school moments of, hey are you Jared's Mom? Several more of those happened in the months following his death.
I am just over a year into my grief journey and I consistently have three birds that are near me day and night. It has now become something my friends look for when I am around. In May, I spent the month in Nashville and several friends paid close attention and were amazed and have now told their friends about my connection with Jared through birds.
I also have a great connection through spirit with him. I feel extremely blessed to have this. I hear him talking to me. He plays practical jokes on me through things you would do as a child and through technology. I laugh at these things because I know it is to help me know he is close by. I feel blessed because I believe God has work for us to do and yet Jared still makes sure he is with me. I questioned that one night and got the response that you don't sleep in heaven so he can get a lot of work done while I am sleeping so he can be near me.
I recently had a friend of the family reach out to me from Holland. He was crying and needed to share with me something. He asked me not to think he was crazy, and I promised I would not. He said he was at a train station and was getting ready to step in front of a train when Jared grabbed him and told him not to do it. He asked me if I believed him and I told him I most certainly did. He said Jared told him great things were in his future he just had to make it and it would all be ok. He asked me what that meant. I told him I had no idea but if that is what Jared said we both better listen. He said Jared sat with him and talked to him for several minutes and he just couldn't believe what he had just experienced. He asked me why Jared would do that. I replied, it is simple he cares for you as a friend. He was puzzled because Jared had only spent a week with him on a vacation we had taken where we met him and yet Jared was watching out for him. I told him, this should prove we make bigger impacts on people than we realize. Just a couple weeks ago I got another frantic message from our friend. This time it was to tell me that his best friend, a female, had returned from a long trip to another country and found that she loved him as more than just friends. He was so excited to share this news. He said he shared his story of Jared with her and she shared some spiritual encounters with him as well. Not sure if that was Jared but I bet he had a hand in talking with her.
Sometimes I feel so very alone, even when there are people around. I have come to find great comfort in this connection God has granted me with Jared in his Afterlife. Until I am reunited with him I will continue to watch for his signs.
As I get ready to post this look what appears out my window....
3 egrets
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Alone In A Sea Of People
Since I was very young I have always felt out of place and unsure of my place within the family. I am youngest of eight but they are all half siblings. My mother had three children with her first husband and they have the full sibling bond and each born approximately a year apart. My Father had three boys by his first wife who also have the full sibling bond, then a boy by a second marriage, who I have found feels very much like me at times and he still struggles with it. Finally, my mother and father had me. I was the second girl for my mother ten years behind her youngest son, and first girl for my father. My parents separated when I was very young and ultimately my father passed away when I was eight from a heart attach induced by alcoholism. My father was no angel, in fact he was physically abusive and a classic case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. So my mother's three children got out as soon as possible. My oldest brother lived with my grandparents until he graduated and went into the Air Force and became an air traffic controller. My sister and brother ultimately dropped out of school. I watched from the time I can remember, the hurt and sadness they both carried. They too made their way out the only way they could. Leaving me at eight dealing with being the only child to a now single parent home while by siblings began having children of their own. From the time my parents split until I reached at when I graduated high school, I didn't have my dad's children as siblings in my life. I stumbled through the years and was a "kid" sister. The "adult" conversations never really happened because I was the babysitter while the older ones did what young adults do. I enjoyed every moment of being the aunt. Except that time I caught my nephew cutting my niece's hair....not fun.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
While I reached out to my dad's children it was very short lived. As I grew it became ok with me. I realized, I didn't need them to get where I was and I don't need them now. Bitter? Probably but that is how I looked at it. Still do really.
I met a wonderful young man my Junior year in high school. I can honestly say he was my one true love. The one you measure all others to. He was a true sole mate. I could laugh, cry, and really enjoy life. He was a year older than I was and as he went off to college his mother demanded he break up with me. That was a short break off and later I found out it was hidden from his parents. You know where this story ends...right? Well I may not have been good enough for him but I have to give him a lot of credit for helping me to realize that love exists, and with patience it will find you.
I then met Jared's Dad a couple year's later. I had talked myself into the fact I must quit comparing him to my first love. Nobody could every meet those expectations. Jared's dad and I had a good love but they say you search out a man like your father. Boy did I and not realize it. He was very much like my father. He was abusive physically and mentally. He was a cheater. But he also had a huge heart. The problem was he never learned to love himself, therefore, he could never love another.
Of course he and I divorced in what has to be the longest contested divorce in Illinois history for NOTHING! We are case law when it comes to removal of child from the state. Kind of crazy to think other lawyers refer to my case to show the child should be allowed to leave the state of Illinois at the time of the divorce. This was another time where I felt alone in a sea of people. Lot's of people around but really felt like I was alone. While his side paraded witnesses in and out, I had but just a couple. Of course I later learned, or confirmed, it wasn't really Jared's Dad behind the parade but rather his mother. How, you ask? Easy the cases she filed after his death to get custody of Jared. She had the same parade of witnesses coming in to tell the same thing over and over and over again. This time I had my husband by my side. At least for one of the days I did. Seemed silly to me to ask him to take additional days off to sit and listen to the garbage.
The constant in my life since 1997 was Jared. No matter what, he was there, loved me unconditionally, and without prejudice. He also became a big protector of me. I learned at the age of 3 he was sleeping in front of the door at night to protect mom from getting hurt. That came from a therapist. I only knew I kept finding him laying on the rug each morning. After Rich and I married he was a ball of fire because he felt that burden lifted. Rich was there to protect mom now. He could be a kid! Then after his father passed and the court proceedings fired up again from grandma, he went back to the protector of mom. This, ultimately, was the cause of his death. Once again, I am alone....so I thought.
I came to realize this all about Jared in the last couple of days as I looked through photos of him chronologically. Talk about a message from Jared! He showed me exactly what led to him taking his life and put puzzle pieces in place for me. I guess he felt it was time and I could now digest it a little better.
I find myself still in alone with many people around me. I drift off into happy times with Jared. Listening to him giggle, laugh, tell a joke, and catch me up on all the latest high school gossip. Sometimes this is in large crowds. Sometimes this is alone in a room.
Lately, I have really been listening with my heart and sole. I forgot to do that for a while. When I do, I really find peace. I find answers, direction, calmness, and true peace. This also means I have to distance myself from those I feel pull me away from these. It isn't that I don't want to be a part of their life or have them a part of mine, but I must put distance there to be healthy.
In the past few days I have watched this world go absolutely off its' axis. I have watched as hate took total control over the people of the US. They broke out in a Civil War not between North and South but between Hate and Love. No, not Black and White, it was pure Hate vs Love. I watched as a terrible act of hate took place at a church but the church responded with love. I watched as the community responded with love against that hate. The only people fueling the fire of hate "because of that incident" was people who were not even a part of that community. Nor would they listen to those that were devastated by the event who begged people to respond with love.
Today I watched news unfold of more murders. More Hate!
If you look back at all that I have written in this blog, you will see I have lots of people and reasons to hate. I could hate my father, my mother, my siblings, my economic suppression while growing up, my ex-husband, my ex-mother-in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, the court system who clearly stated they were giving a judgement that if appealed would be overturned, and a number of other things. But why? Why should I hate? It is exhausting and quite honestly, only destroys me. Oh it could destroy others if I would choose the path of those who commit murder. But ultimately, that too would destroy me. Instead, I again listen with my heart and sole, and know that it is not my place to judge. I won't take sides on gay marriage. Why? Because it is not my place to judge. Do I believe everyone has a right to be loved, you bet your bottom. Is it my place to say who should love who? No. So is it my place to get involved in the Bruce Jenner craziness? Nope. Not my place to judge. I do have an opinion when it come to records. I do not believe that names on DD214s should be changed or any other record. I do believe a record of change should be created stating that while a person was X gender with X name they transitioned to Y gender with Y name. More of a paper trail than anything. But nobody asked me.
So now I walk the path of Suicide Prevention and Awareness. Talk about ALONE! Sometimes you feel like you are the only one that gives a damn. Then you get a message or text or post saying how proud of you someone is or that you gave someone strength to have a conversation to save themselves or others.
Anyway, I hope that if you feel alone in a sea of people you look inside yourself and find peace. I hope you find comfort, and guidance, and most of all peace.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Doing A Download
It has been a while since I last blogged and my head has been spinning. I know it is best to write through grief, but sometimes life gets in the way of time for myself.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
Emotional Turmoil:
I have been in an emotional turmoil on if I wanted to continue to live in Paradise or not. Some would say, are you crazy? Why would you leave? Well, when you are going through Hell while living in Paradise, it just sucks! I have so much I feel drawn to do and I want to do. Geographically I am restricted on some of those things. I can't just jump in the car and drive to Knoxville as example. Yet there is something I have come to realize. If I remain here, Rich and I can begin to have a life that we have never had. The natural progression of couples with children should be courtship, marriage, children, grow old and be boring. We didn't have that with one another. We both came into a marriage with one child each. So in our case it was courtship when possible, ballgames, schools, married, school, ballgames, birthday parties, you get the point. Once in a while we would find a weekend where we didn't have our boys and occasionally we would slip away together for a week of alone time. So we are kinda going backwards in that respect. We are learning how to live together, alone, without calendars centered around children, and looking at each other in wonder of what to do. So for many months I have really wanted to move back to the states. I really wanted to be back in Tennessee and he assured me that would never be. This added additional turmoil to my already tornado like mind set. So I then thought let me look at places in Illinois, a place I don't ever plan to return to for reasons I will explain later. But Rich wasn't much interested in that either. So I did, what I should have done all along, I asked God and Jared for guidance. Through prayer and really listening, I heard what I needed to hear. If we were to move back to the states there would be many distractions. I would join back up and run with friends, Rich would probably become the hermit crab I met years ago, lol, and we wouldn't be forced to open a line of communication that was never created in the beginning because of our circumstances. Jared pointed out that we all love it here and there is a reason God put us here and I need to be patient and find out why and what is in my future.
So while I don't know what is in my future for sure, I do know that a few Angel Parents here on island and I are forming a dinner group. We will begin having dinner together once a month somewhere. Something we all feel is while we are in Paradise, we are also very isolated. We need time together to share fellowship with those who understand where we are.
So why do I not plan to return to Illinois? Because I am not sure how well I could control myself if certain issues came up. Yes I still have anger inside, and I have learned that I always will. What I won't do is let that be anything less than the smallest of all the feelings of grief. That is where it belongs. So, just as a drug addict should not be left alone in a pharmacy, I don't feel I need to put that wick in the flame.
I love my family and friends there and will visit as much as we can, but residency would not be a healthy place for me now.
Anger:
Oh Hell Yeah! I have had that slap me right up side the face recently. It also did it in an instant, and through a Facebook post. Yeah, I know, dumb, but when it hits, there is NO stopping the emotions when they cut loose. Those who know me, know how strong a supporter I am of our military and obviously, a strong advocate to stop suicide. So yep, you guessed it, struck both chords at the same time. In an effort to stop Soldier and Veteran suicides taking place, most due to PTSD, a military support organization created signs that just made you aware that a combat Vet was struggling please be kind with fireworks on the days leading to and from the 4th of July. Obviously, these individuals love the fireworks and celebrations as much as anyone, but when caught off guard, it can trigger flashbacks and unfortunately it did lead to the loss of several of our military during the days surrounding the 4th. The sign had been taken by a group on the internet that is also military based and changed the sign to say they are a combat vet and like to blow shit up. Great, don't deny you do. But what lit my wick was the comment that the military vet that shared this said. He called those who are suffering and ultimately take their life as weak minded. That was a direct quote but he did call those who have those signs weak minded and just wanting attention and he hoped they were butt hurt. See my experience with family and friends in military branches is you support your brothers and sisters and you have their back. To me this individual did NOT have his fellow soldier's back. In fact our schools would call it bullying and our government would call it cyber bullying.
Now because of this post and several like it there is a law firm taking up the case against them and others who are believed to contribute to the suicide rates. Do I agree with it? I can't answer that because each case is individual. Yet, I understand that while you have a right to post your opinions, you must take responsibility for consequences caused by those opinions and actions you have taken.
So many of us will watch this and many other cases that in the legal world are accessories to a felony.
Depression:
Yep! That too. Can't let that take hold long. I recognize it. Acknowledge it. Conquer it! The best way for me to come out of depression is sink myself into foundation work. That led to some unexpected developments recently. I reached out to a friend for some advise and possible resource and was encouraged to step out of that comfort zone I have put myself in for safe keeping and try something new. So with her help and that of a couple of "testers" I am working on something that I will hopefully be able to share by the end of August.
Love:
A WHOLE LOT OF LOVE! I am met with love from friends, family, and most of all my husband. Recently we had a good heart to heart and I opened up about a lot of feeling I have been keeping to protect his feelings. But in that same conversation with Jared that night, he said Mom you need to tell Rich everything you are feeling. I didn't share with you and I kept it to myself and look how many people that hurt. Ok kid, I am listening. So I shared with Rich some things I wanted to begin doing together that we have gotten into the routine of doing alone. For one, I dislike shopping with a passion. Grocery shopping, Christmas shopping, shopping, it is awful. Especially when I am by myself doing it. So Rich will begin going with me on the weekends to shop.
Another thing we said we would do when we moved and have not made ourselves do it is try a new restaurant each week. We have failed miserably on this one. We don't even go out once a week to eat like we promised ourselves we would do. So we will try to make that happen.
Love is what brought us together and as long as we allow it, it will keep us together. Earlier I said being here we are isolated. That is actually a benefit to love. We have only one another to really lean on and we each know that the other one has our back. So we will make it.
Hope:
There is hope of actually living a meaningful life. This has been the hardest thing to get to. It is hard when you feel you have no purpose in life. Getting beyond feeling as if you have no purpose and recognizing what that purpose is can be challenging. Jared has said from early on, Mom I need you to fix this. Well Jared THIS is a HUGE THIS! Finding the right way to reach people is not always easy. The emails, texts, and messages that come in do confirm we are on the right path and we will make a difference in the end. I have hope for great things in the future. I have hope because I have Jared and God walking beside me each day. I have hope because I have a husband that loves me no matter what.
I hope you have a peace filled day.
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