We Have Come So Far To Have Gone NoWhere!

I remember the stories of how black clothes would be draped over mirrors in a home and widows would dress in black for a designated period of time.  I didn't think much about it as I listened to these customs.  But now I think about them.  Why?  Because I wonder have we really advanced our thinking on grief or mental illness?  People mean well when they say things they don't realize how deep some things cut.  One such thing I have heard many times over the past month is "Oh Dear God, he was your only child?"  Would it make a difference if I had others?  I don't know because I don't have others.  I have 1.  One I carried, gave birth to, fought for in court, fought for during injustices throughout his life, fought for his rights in education, and fought to save his life.  While I won many battles I lost that war.  I have also heard things like you will be fine in a month or so.  REALLY?  I don't feel like I will ever be ok.  NOT EVER.  Is that why decades ago women dressed in black to mourn the loss and then just one day dressed "normal" again?
Yet today, many have been raised to believe if you don't talk about it (grief) then it won't be there.  Unfortunately that just isn't true.
Today I feel like a puzzle with a million pieces to it.  I can't get my puzzle put together because so much of it is missing.  You know that feeling?  Not the corner of the puzzle but the middle of it....the whole middle of the puzzle is gone...not in the box, not on the floor, not anywhere to be found.  I have cried at everything today.  I have bitten the head off my husband for simply asking if I was going grocery shopping before or after lunch...which made me cry again because I had done that.  I began to cry as I was filling our drinking water bottle.  I was able to breath through it and hold back until I got to the truck to load groceries....then the floodgates opened.
I reflected on things today as I did only one task (because that is all the energy I had).  I have sat at watched shows that were recorded over the past month that we need to catch up on.  About all I can tell you is it was Master Chef but I couldn't tell you anything about challenges or who was eliminated.  Mostly I thought.  I thought about how I had tried to help Jared since a small child but was met with opposition by Jared's Dad who was being controlled by Jared's Grandmother.  How Jared would return from visits with bags of sugary treats and Mountain Dews even though the medication he was given by his therapist strictly prohibited such intake as it could have severe consequences.  They justified it by saying he didn't need his medication because they never have any problems with him and they didn't give it to him.  They had total disregard for Jared and what his physical body was enduring.  Teachers could always tell when he was going for and returning from visits.  They said he would act up in class completely out of character for him.  At home we had issues with bed wetting all throughout elementary school.
I remember when Jared was in first grade and he told his therapist, who then reported it to me, that Jared said "they" planned on killing me and throwing the "Bitch" into the woods where no one would ever find her.  I called my ex-husband and questioned him about it.  He laughed and said yes Jared heard it but he didn't say it.  Like that was ok to allow Jared to hear things like this?
More recently in one of the last court battles where his Grandmother was trying to gain custody or Jared's Father's visitation schedule, text message transcripts were introduced where the Aunt continued to call me a Bitch and how it wouldn't be long until they had him away from me.  All he needed to do was tell the judge he wanted to live with them because I was a bitch.
Why, when you know a child has struggled with a form of mental illness for so long would you say such horrible things to them?  WHY?  The only answer I come up with over and over is they refused to accept anything that would "blemish" their perfect reputation in town.  Well there is NO hiding that mental illness took Jared's Dad from this Earth and it also took Jared.
I am NOT ashamed of my son's condition at all.  He was an extremely bright young man, kind young man, talented young man, and one Hell Of A Soccer Keeper.  Yet with all of this he still struggled to process anger from childhood, grief from his Dad's death, and anger he harbored toward his Dad's family for hurting me.  While I didn't care how they felt about me, still don't, I tried to get Jared to understand I am a big girl and like they say....sticks and stones may break my bones but their words would not hurt me.  Well I was wrong about that.  Their words did hurt me.....they took Jared from me.
Yesterday I retrieved his phone and tablet from the VIPD and began going through the phone.  I have read text messages and emails between his Dad's family and him and nothing had changed.  As recently as the 12th, they still were talking smack about me and how it would be better if he lived in the house where his Dad committed suicide so he could be closer to his dad like his Grandma and Aunt felt in that house.  How it wouldn't be long and he would forever be with them and away from me.
I don't think I will ever forgive them for ignoring, and feeding, his mental instability.  I do plan on forgetting their existence soon.
I pray for the other two young boys left in this wake of denial.  I pray that their families will protect them from a fate that is unnecessary.
One of the brothers attended Jared's memorial in Waverly.  Yes just one of Jared's family from his Dad's side attended.  That brother hugged me and as I hugged him I prayed for him.  I prayed he would find healing and strength to understand and process all the grief his young soul was enduring.  His mother and grandmother were there and I know with their love and strength they will ensure that whatever care he may need will be met despite any opposition.
All this to say, we have come so far with medical advancement and understanding of mental illness, yet some are so embarrassed that they refuse to acknowledge it and seek treatment.  So we have gone nowhere.  Why?  We get treatment for everything else don't we?  Even STD's are treated quietly and discreetly.
One of Jared's friends has organized a team to walk in the Music City Out of the Darkness Walk on Team Jared's Keepers.  This is sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention a group who sponsors Beyond Just SADD.  Remember those organizations?  MADD and SADD?  I am beyond Mad and Beyond Sad....I am walking to represent not only Jared, but Jared's Dad Daniel Martin (2010), one of Jared's soccer coaches who took his life nearly 14 months ago (2013), and a dear friend from our re-enactment group who lost a child to suicide.  So I think this team name has gained multiple meanings....he has Keepers in Heaven and Keepers still on Earth who will help educate and support those who need it.

I am not ashamed of Jared for being mentally ill

I am not ashamed of Jared reaching out to counselors for help

I am not ashamed of Jared for being extremely grief stricken

I am not ashamed of Jared for being angry

I am not ashamed of Jared for taking his life

I AM PROUD OF MY SON WHO TOUCHED SO MANY LIVES IN SUCH A POSITIVE WAY!

My Purse

Today I dumped my purse on the kitchen counter looking for my scooter key to fall out.    On that ring I also had the key to the padlock that secured Jared's scooter to mine while we were stateside and the post office box key.   So more than anything I needed that key to empty a P.O. Box that had not been touched in a week.  I found these keys in the hutch where I placed them before leaving last weekend.  Late this afternoon, I then had to pick up all the stuff I had dumped and left all day.   What I noticed was what my purse now contains.   Tissues,  lots of tissues.  I must be prepared for when tears fall.   I had my wallet,  claritin,  change purse, nail file, four ink pens (don't ask why), gum which had to go to the refrigerator before our climate turned it to mush. ..a lesson learned, 4  memorial bracelets and a tube of lip balm from last week as I got very chapped lips but most of all I had tissues.   The ones with lotion because in just two short days after Jared took his life I looked like Rudolph and I did not want Santa to call me up for duty.   It made me think back to when I was in high school and began carrying a purse.   I think it was a denim purse.   Carried my wallet and make up I am sure.   In college my purse became nothing more than a wallet in a messenger bag with books in it.   When I got married it changed again,  it became a device to carry my wallet, a check book and when needed, my husband's wallet and keys.   After I had Jared that purse was now a diaper bag with wipes, diapers, rash cream, changing pad, toys, multiple changes of clothing, bottles,  and oh yes. ... my wallet.  As Jared grew my purse didn't shrink much for many years.   Diapers and wipes were replaced with bigger toys and snacks and tissues for runny noses.   Through the years it was extra socks for after a wet soccer game,  change of clothes for after a sweaty basketball game, or for storing warm ups from various sports.   It wasn't until the last couple of years when Jared began driving I felt comfortable downsizing again.  Even as recent as a couple of days prior to losing Jared I was still carrying his wallet in my purse as we were running errands and he didn't have pockets on his shorts.
But now my purse is one of a grieving mother.   Those tissues are mine,  for my runny nose. For my tears.  My pockets are filled with tissues so I am ready at any moment.
So now my purse is a grieving mother's toolkit.   It contains tissues with lotion, chap stick,  wallet, keys, four ink pens, change purse, nail file, and a phone that is my digital picture frame that allows me access to see Jared whenever I want.  
While my purse has changed over the years,  since 1997 it has everything to do with carrying something belonging to or needed by Jared.

The First Day of My New Normal

I got up with plans for a productive day.   That lasted about as long as it took to think about it.   When we arrived home yesterday I spent some time unpacking and organizing.  I set Jared on a curio cabinet his Dad gave me years ago.   I had always told Jared where it came from and that one day, when he was ready,  it was his.   It is flanked by candles from the service on St Croix,  the family portrait,  the picture of him and his two half brothers from Illinois,  the plaque from his Dad's casket and in front of him sits his FIFA banner.
As for everything else,  it was laid out on the spare bed.   Rich had mowed the yard and had an experience with an egret showing up and supervising his work.  When he was finishing he had two egrets watching him.   If you knew Jared,  you knew he mowed the yard and took great pride in making it look good.   Rich and I believe that was Jared who showed up to supervise and he went and got Poco to watch.  
Last night we visited our local bar on the Boardwalk for a couple of drinks and we were greeted with hugs,  kisses and love from so many of our friends.  
Today I have tried to continue organizing and sorting through things,  including Jared's room.   I had to stop for a while because the helplessness was overwhelming to me.  After a break I made myself get back to it.   I was able to sort his clothes as I have decided to have things made into a couple of quilts.   One quilt of all his jerseys from his sports along with his special shirts from soccer.   This will have to wait until I am able to go through the storage unit to get the rest of them.   But I also decided I want another quilt from t-shirts that were special like the Jimmy Buffett concert shirts and the reenactment commemorative shirts.
I could not part with some if these things so I feel this would be a great way to repurpose them.  
I think I am emotionally done for the day but I did get a little done that I wanted to. This past week I have noticed beauty where I had not seen it before.   I noticed the many beautiful shades of green from that of the Tennessee tobacco growing to the talk healthy stalks of corn in Illinois.   I noticed the beautiful gold colors of wheat as well as prairie grass going to seed.   I noticed rich colors on birds,  ducks,  and squirrels. Fireworks were much brighter in color than I had ever noticed.   While sitting on the boat watching the fireworks and looking at the beautiful stars and sky I remembered Jared saying to me at about age six,  mom when I miss you while I am at my dad's I just look up at the sky and see the stars and moon,  then I don't feel so far away from you because I know you are looking at those same stars and moon.

Well Jared I know you are looking at the same stars and moon from the other side and I don't feel so far away from you.
I loved you to the moon and back,
Now I love you to heaven and back.

Messages From Stateside Services

Kingston Springs, Tennessee
On the island we have a custom to greet everyone we meet with Good Morning,  Good Afternoon,  Good Night,  Good Day,  Good Evening,  so Good Afternoon Friends. Thank you all for coming to celebrate Jared.   I want to tell you what you are looking at in front of you.  This is Jared and his forever resting place.   He asked to have very specific items with him those are the family photo you see here and the photo of his brothers from his dad.   He also wanted the plaque that came from his Dad's casket.   In addition you see his FIFA banner and his goalie gloves.   Behind me you see his shirts.   You see his Good Hope County Day shirt that was retired and his FIFA team shirt.   He didn't just love soccer he LIVED  soccer as he was on 5 soccer  teams.
I want you to know he was an Indian and wore his Harpeth class ring until the night he took it off to leave this earth.  He told his new friends about you and showed them on Google Earth where his school was,  where he parked,  where he lived,  and I am sure where he went mudding.  He hoped you would come visit so he could share his new world with you.
We are just someone in this World but to someone we are the World!  Jared was my World.   As you know I have Bern sharing with you mt process on Facebook and more recently my blog.   This isn't to hurt out bombard anyone,  but rather to site the teens and adults it is ok to feel everything you are feeling.   Over a year ago I made a post and I still believe it to be important. .... as parents we want to shelter our children from everything.   We want to do everything and make sure they only have happy times.   Do you know what college admission offices have named us?   Helicopter parents.   I think Jared would tell you I was a Blackhawk.   But the best and most important lessons we can teach is yup let our children see us suffer.   Let them see us hurt.   Let them see us angry,  Let them see us struggle and show then how to process through it and come out stronger on the other side.  
Young adults I want you to understand SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER.   She said the S word.   Yes because that is what it was.   It is an ugly word and I hope with your help one day we can remove it from the dictionary to make more room for words like Selfie.   I want you to know you will have struggles - LOTS of struggles. .. but it is ok.
We are all here for you.   Adults listen to them without the hindsight you have but talk then through it with the wisdom you have.
I had a moment of guilt why didn't I go get a drink of water so I could have seen what was happening?   But it wasn't supposed to be.   What if I found him and stopped him?   Who would have benefited me or him?   As you all know his heart was  so broken and it couldn't heal.   So while I would have had more time with him he would have just hurt more.   And mom's don't want you to hurt.   I want you all too know thay in a hundred years when I finally pass away,  because I am not going before then,  you will all need to take cover because after I hug him and kiss him I will kick his butt ask over heaven like he has never seen for hurting all of us.  
Rich and I would like say thank you to all of you for everything.   I hope that I can touch lives the way Jared has in 17 short years.   I do have a request of all of you.   When you sit down to eat,  shut your phones off and enjoy the conversations.   When you go to bed leave then in your kitchen to charge so you can get rest,  talk to God,  and escape from any fall things in your life.  
We love you all.   If there is someone he tonight that you don't know please introduce yourself and talk as Jared would have.   He never knew a stranger.


Waverly,  Illinois
I shared things I did and didn't know about Jared. .. hope you enjoy.
I did know he was stubborn,  I didn't know how stubborn.
I did know he learned to count from me counting 1...2....3 timeout,  I didn't know he could solve trigonometric problems with ease.
I did know he had a gift to gab,  I didn't know he was using it to uplift his peers.
I did know he was kind and giving,  I didn't know it was my pocket the giving was coming from.
I knew I would miss him someday, i Just didn't know how much.
I knew he was always the last to leave,  I didn't know he was insuring everyone was safe.
I knew he was hurting,  I didn't know how much.
I knew he had a connection to God, I didn't know how deep that connection was.
I knew he wanted to be the Keeper on the World Cup Team,  I didn't know he wouldn't get a chance to.
I knew he was late getting home from games,  I didn't know he was making sure his female AD was getting to her car safely.
I knew he was kind to those with special needs,  I didn't know he spoke to a bout with Aspburgers each day to make him feel special.
I knew he had two speeding tickets,  Rich did not.
I knew our tab at The Mill was extremely high a few times,  I did not know he was buying our friends drinks on our tab.
I knew he loved crazy hair cuts,  I didn't know how happy they would make me now to think about.
I knew he wanted to study engineering in college,  I didn't know he was looking ay a small Christian College with a developing soccer program.
I knew he was a normal teenager,  I didn't know he and friends drank an entire bottle of tequila. ... if I had he would have been woke up with loud music.
I knew he had lots of friends,  I didn't know just how many.
I knew he was productive of me,  I didn't know how far he would go to do that.
I know I said Good Night Jared Love You a Night Mom love you too. ..I didn't know they would be the last words spoken or heard between us.
I knew he went pier jumping,  I still dont really know what that is.
I knew Jared drive my Cadillac on the back roads between Waverly and New Berlin after his father's visitation (age 13), Rich just found out.
I knew he was am awesome keeper,  I didn't know I wouldn't see him get to his goal of the World Cup.
Thank you to everyone who brought a tractor and who shared that hobby with him.  

Independance Day

Yesterday was a beautiful day when it came to weather.  It was dark and cloudy otherwise for me. I tried to enjoy the blue sky, the festivities, and family.  As I sat and looked at the sky which looked like it had been photo shopped,  I thought how Independence Day had a new meaning for me now.   Jared took his life to get independence.   He was under so much pressure to be someone he didn't want to be and should never have been made to feel that way.   Just a couple days before Jared left us,  He broke down as I walked into his room.   He was boarder line hysterical.   He was screaming he didn't want to be a cop,  He didn't want to work on fucking air conditioners,  He didn't want to wear his dad's clothes any more,  He didn't want to have to live his Dad's life anymore.   He wanted to be Jared and go to college and play soccer.
I was in shock at what I had walked in on.   I took a breath and said first of all let's not drop the F bomb and you are Jared you are not Dan. You will go to college and you will play soccer if that is what you want.   I then tried to lighten things up a bit by telling him I wouldn't let him go to trade school to be a mechanic because he didn't have the patience to trouble shoot problems.   He was always calling me out to help him work on his vehicles because of his lack of patience.   I hugged him and told him I loved him.  He hugged back and said he loved me too and thanked me for loving him.
In the days that followed I made myself begin to clean his room.   Some things were easier than others.  As example,  the empty pop tart wrappers I chuckled at and tossed.   The water bottles he had lemonade in that have now become a science project. .... gone.   But other things like his towel are still hanging with his scent in it.   I can't wash it. ... not yet.   I had a box to put items in that had come from his Dad's family that I planned on shipping to them.   After all they are my ex husband clothes badge etc.   Problem is there are only a couple of things in the box.   A blanket he was given one Christmas that he never used with his name and an A.C. tractor.   There is his Dad's dive log book a snorkel, a Cardinal snuggie, a picture of his dad by his new squad car. ... but that is it.
The dog tag they had made up,  the Menard Country Rescue Squad polo that hung in the closet,  the badge,  the t shirts,  the swimming trunks. ... gone.   Did he bury them in the days leading up to the end?   Did he throw them away?  What did he do?
I don't suppose I will ever know that answer.  
What I do know is Jared has found his independence from the pressures he felt to replace his dad.   He has the independence to be Jared,  the awesome keeper in heaven playing for the God's Goalies or Heavenly Havoc or whatever their team name is.  
I know he enjoyed watching all the fireworks last night as he held Poco during the loud ones.  

Grief Spasms

Last night I was standing outside reflecting on the last few days as I drifted in and out of memories of Jared.   I began weeping, then crying, then into a place I had not experienced.  It was physical distraught. ... what was wrong with me?   I moved from the dock to the side of the house so I wouldn't be seen by my in - laws. ..I didn't want to upset them.   As I began to walk I felt a severe pain like no other.   It felt like someone had ripped my heart out and a hole was inside my body that I couldn't get to, to plug it up.   I then couldn't breath.   At some point Rich has now seen me and has come over to check on me.   By this point I am getting terrified,  am I having a panic attack,  a heart attack,  WTH? I couldn't get my breath,  my breathing was shallow,  this pain continued to get worse.   Rich held me and told me it was going to be ok.  I was trying to explain what was going on and he just rubbed my back saying breath,  breath in,  breath out.   I thought I was breathing. ... was I not breathing?   At points I couldn't breath because my sinuses are now completely blocked.   The only way I can describe this feeling is being underwater and trying to breath in through my dive mask and having no air in my tank. ...I got that tiny bit trapped in my mask and house then I had no more.
After a period of time,  really couldn't tell you how long it was,  I could start controlling it again.   I forced myself to take deep breaths and I am really beginning to feel that my chest and back are extremely sore from what I just experienced.
I made myself physically join the family around the fire pit,  but I was not mentally there.   Not really sure where I was. ... not there.
As I laid down in bed I again began to read How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies,  a book Dr Marshall has recommended I read to help walk me through this journey.   I read a bit,  then looked at the next few topics when I saw a topic called Grief Spasms.   What is that?   I read the section,  then I gave the book to Rich,  "I think this is what I just had"  He agreed.
An acute upsurge of grief that occurs suddenly and often when least expected.   It interrupts your ongoing activities and temporarily leaves you feeling out of control.
It continued on to explain anything can trigger it and it has been known to cause auto accidents when it hits you while driving.
Well at least I know I am "normal" what ever normal is now.   I have learned that grief is not just emotional but also physical.   I have so many people tell me that I am the strongest person they know.   I am not strong,  I am extremely weak.  In fact it is God carrying me like footprints in the sand.
What am I?  I am a survivor.

Taking Jared To See His Indians

Jared said he was an Indian and forever would be an Indian.  Why wouldn't he be after 14 years in Kingston Springs?  It was an emotional roller coaster I was getting on.   I had a day to get settled and prepare for service on Monday.   Sunday was visiting and approving all the details. ... which was semantics only.   We visited with our former neighbors. ... talk about emotional!  For the first time since moving we saw "our home".  It brought tears to my eyes as the new owners are not loving it the way we did.   In fact I think it looks like a home that has been foreclosed on.  So sad.   Jared would be furious.   He complained about mowing every time but he still had such pride to make it look nice.
That evening we ate dinner with a close friend and the gentleman that certified Jared and me in diving.   I think it was a very difficult dinner for him.   We shared laughter and tears throughout the day with everyone.
Monday I let my chauffeur take me to Nashville and we stopped by my former employer.   Wow I really miss seeing everyone there.   They are fun people and like family. ... you know sometimes you want to knock up side the head and some you want to hug. ... could be the same person depending on the day. ..lol.
We then did a little shopping before before heading back to get ready for the service.
I wish I knew what Jared was thinking because the turn out was amazing.   Those in attendance will tell you they saw signs of him all night.   From the hawk flying over the service to the fireworks  during the candlelight service.
I know in my heart he was so happy that night because he was right there on that field where he was the happiest.